Ministers losing benzes si poa 4 economy n jamii

Lobby group fulani imeonya nchi ya kwamba kutakua na results mbof afta ma ministers were downgraded from shindes n otha mandai za nguvu 2 passats. "Most of our members r experiencing post traumatic stress disorder ambayo itawazuia kuperform at their best," sez Kujeni Hapa, tha membership mdosi wa tha Kenya Association of Disenfranchised Cabinet Ministers, Assistant Ministers, PSs' and allied Gova Wadosis (KADCMAMPSAGW).
Hapa xplains members mob wamelose motisha ya wax and some r thinking of relocating to SA, where ministers wanaweza boti 2 rides whose total bei doesn't xceed 70% of their annual salos. "Beste kaa Trevor Manuel anapush biemer 750 series baana, na yake ni shadow compared 2 wenzake ambao wanasukuma shindes," Hapa tetas. "I won't name names but membaz wengine wamesend CVs 2 SA gova na wakipenya, si hata wewe unajua kile kitafuata." He adds dat brain drain might force gova ya Tinga na Ubako 2 import ministers soon, who won't kubali 2 push passats as expats.
Hapa pia ameask wasay not 2 invite ministers 2 be guest of honours in such funkys kama harambeees, pre wedding bashes, prize giving na hata in some xtreme cases, mazishi. "Hakuna member wetu ataitikia kujiaibisha by parking ndai kaa passat next to guests with mandai za nguvu, na showing yo constituents dat 'benz iko garage' can only take u so far," he xplains. Hapa sez those having funkys kwanza in Dec will have 2 jobo xtra hard to attract ministers kuwa their guests of honour. "Wakiprovide ndai ya power au chopper 2 transport memberz wetu 2 n from the event labda ndio itatoa nyoka pangoni."
Now that madere wa mathree na pia makarao wa traffic will be able 2 chokoza passats hata kama kuna bendera side ya bonnet kwa jam na 4 speeding respectively, Hapa anask gova 2 let ministers jobo from cager zao hadi kitu 11 when jam imedie, alafu they can jikata offo. "Actually, hii deal itahelp ma membaz wetu 2 heal from tha trauma juu sioni gova ikilipa 4 post traumatic counselling."

Good samaritanz congratulate Africa 4 fikaing 1b pips

Mahuman smugglers, multinationals na mapoliticians ni baadhi ya ma well-wishers ambao wamesend Africa congratulatory messages afta UN unleashed breaking news dat africa's population sasa ni 1b na upuzi, na ati itadouble by 2050.
Bahati Mbaya, an ex-kanjora who since the re-introduction of mfumo wa vyama mob in '91 ameshindwa kukomboa jeshi 2 saidia him become mp, ako na hope ya kuitwa 'mheshimiwa' afta 2017 elections. "Mapotential recruits wa jeshi ya mine hunilenga juu siwezi wakanja doe poa style ya ma-mps," he tetas. Coz of msoto b.m. campaigns kama hawker: he scatters wen his compay's majeshi tokea n zushia 4 his mafans. "Sasa juu wakidi wataongezeka bei zitashuka so hata mimi nitakuwa na squad ya mavijanaa kaa 40 wamejihami. Watch this space muzeiya."
S'one else ambaye amejazika na hii risto ni Nafasi Iko, organising sec. wa Mediterranean Sea Cargo Xporters Association, lobby group ya mahustler who specialise in forwarding wafrika 2 Italy au Spain thru that sea ndani ya tube zimeshona vimajor. "In fact next wk campu zetu zote zitachora biz plans za power alafu ziapply 4 loans za kuboti mo tubes juu sasa demand ni guaranteed," he sez. He adds that UN stats zitakuwa security. "Sioni banks zikitushow ati tuwapatie sijui title deeds au log books, mbele reports za UN ni kama bankers cheques: hazibounce."
MNO incorporated, a ki-multinational dat chimbas 4 anything under tha african soil as long as it's bling compliant, is even planning an in-hse bash. "Tulikuwa tumeshindwa tutaget wapi ma kym tukiangukia ndechu au ngata, mbele masomo ya saree imepeleka wajnr wengi daro," sez Walete ka Wote, mdosi wa talent acquisition n disposal. "Hii 411 imetupatia motisha juu inamaanisha hatutahata ma kym kwanza kenya ikiangukia gauge sides za Isiolo, juu si hata wewe unajua gova haina doe ya kujenga daro hizo zote na pia maodijo watapatikana wapi?"
NGOs zile husurvive na doe frm majuu by showing african kidoz ambao wamekuwa wasted by ubao au kamdudu pia zimehappy viajabu. "Tungetaka kucongratulate mama africa 4 fikaing tha 1b pips milestone. Kiasi tulikuwa tumehaha ganji zitakauka coz madonors wamechoka kuona mbisha ya mkidi mmoja 4 like 5 yrs str8," xplains Say Cheese, chief photographer wa NGO Njaa Africa Nzima. "Sasa at least hii population xplosion itatuwezesha kubadilisha mbisha za mavictims daily online. Ngoja uone vile madonors wataguswa pahali na vile ganji zitacome kama tsunami."

Kenya, iran na makauzi 2 benefit frm obama prize

Zile nchi ziko na beef with Stato zimeshoiwa zirelax afta Obama kwachud the '09 Nobel Peace Prize last wk. "Kwanza kabisa obama wud like 2 apologise to those wanasiasa 15 he toad rangi in a letter last month," sez Yes Wecan, a geog odijo whose side hustle is teaching obama's cabinet kule Africa iko kwa map. Wecan adds dat Otato pia imechomoa a special offer 2 those 15 victims dat includes no visa application fees, no interviews, multiple entry visas n free airport transfers. "In fact kama these jamaas can jipanga into a kerende wen they fika, naweza organise wakutane na obama 4 sembe kunde kule White hse," he reveals.
Otato sasa itadeal na makauzi peacefully nxt time wakipiga meli ya stato ngeta. "Badala ya kusend macommando kurescue meli, raondi hii tutadrop maparachute zimeshona maburgers, mapizzas, mapopcorn na mahorror movies," wecan toboas. "Tunahope hizo burungu zitaconvince hao makauzi wawachilie meli zetu roho safi i say."
Iran pia inaweza tulia mdogo. "Tumekuwa tukizusha kaa miaka 40 iran isaray story za nuclear mpaka siku hizi tunasound kama ndai imetoboka xhaust," wecan tetas. He confirms dat iran sasa inaweza endelea na its nuclear mjengo bila kuwaza kama kesho stato itawanyeshea style ya Hiroshima na Nagasaki. "Actually tutabonga nao wauzie Kenya elec afta balozi wetu huko azushe vile juzi alikatsika afta kukimbia home kucheki prison break only 4 elec kukatika."
But wecan adds dat kuna disclaimer: kila siku sio Sunday 4 all wadhii with beef na stato. "Zee, hatuwezi 4 give kila msay na wewe, othawise tutaboeka sana na wasay wengi hii mtaa wanaweza poteza wax," he justifies it. "So bado tutamaintain sanctions dhidi ya Mugabe, tutasupport Al Bashir apatiwe red carpet welcome Hague na tutazidi kupambana na Taliban sides za Afghanistan."

Grace Mugabe applies 4 a ki-shakay in Kenya

Grace Mugabe ameshow gova ya Ubako na Tinga 2 organise 4 her a ki-shakay s'where in Kenya ndio aendelee na maziwa bizna yake. Hii ni afta Nestle Zim kuwekwa mapressure na mahaterz in Brito n SA iwache kuboti maziwa kutoka hiyo shakay ya grace, au itacollide na boycott ya power.
Inasemekana ati tha mngoso ex-owner of dat shakay, which supplies nestle zim with maziwa kaa litre 1m kila mwaka, was forced 2 ndonyo it bei ya jioni by makauzi wa Zanu-PF.
"Aaaah silly," shouts Hara Bula, PA wa grace, whose salo depends on the inflation rate ya hiyo mwezi. "Hao wangoso mahaters hawajui dat when u strike an African woman, you strike a rock." Bula sez grace hakujifungia kwa bedroom yake na kuanza kulia afta nestle zim walemewe na pressure. "Zee, alienda online n that's where she got tha idea afta asome ati Qatar imerent 40k Ha in Tana river 4 kilimo," she sez. Bula adds dat grace was like if a mwafrika can rent out his shakay to a muarabu, how hard can it be 2 do tha same 4 anotha mwafrika who also has investment ganji?
Qatar imejitolea kujenga port in Lamu as its CSR project, n bula sez grace pia ana mpango similar especially raondi hii when wakidi wengi hawakunywi maji enuff juu ya drought throughout area code 254. "Tutadonate maziwa 2 kila primo kenya nzima mon-fri 2 complement free primary education," she reveals. "Na bado, unlike maziwa ya kitambo ya nyayo, wakidi watakuwa na selection gwan kama chocolate, strawberry na vanilla flavours."
Bula sez grace hajali where she gets a ki-shakay hata kama ni sides za north-eastern, as long as at least kuna airstrip karibu ndio she can fika Nai kila wikendi 2 shop. "Trust me, hamna therapy poa kama hiyo, especially afta stress za kuamshwa na mooo, moooo, daily," she points out.
Samples zishatumwa 2 both ubako n tinga 4 tasting. "Karibu tufanye blunder ya kutuma sample 2 ubako pekee, alafu Tsvangirai akatukumbusha kenya siku hizi kuna prime minister," bula kumbukas. "Kizee, ilibidi pilot apige U-turn ndio a-get sample 4 tinga othawise ODM wangekanyagia hiyo deal."
Bula hopes gova itapitisha application ya grace at least by Oct 20. "Tunataka kulaunch na double n what better time than Kenyatta day's state hse buffet," she sez. "Ikifika chai ya 4pm, tunataka maguests wabambike na tiabe containing maziwa ya grace."

Hague pilot requests gova 4 mo passengers

Ingawa gova imekubali yenyewe tha wanasiasa who chochead vita last year itabidi wafikishwe Hague chap chap, pilot wa ile plane itawabeba tetas he can't chomoka kabla ishone. "Cheki hii situation charlie yangu. Mimi, conda na cabin crew hukanjua on commission, so hakuna vile tunaweza fly mapoliticians tupu n xpect kumake doe poa," sez capt. Cokpit Turbulence, who anzad as a mkoko dere btwn marikiti n Machakos airport. "Na usisahau lazima tukanje kanjo 4 parking n Mungiks 4 tha route," he adds.
Turbulence suggests kuna groups kadhaa gova shud order 2 apply online 2 sindikiza mapoliticians hague, destination 2nd best afta bunge chujad da idea of undaing a tribunal in area code 254. "Saa zile conda anaita wadhii mimi husoma Bible badala ya kupiga honi ya plane au kukatia ma air hostess," turbulence xplains. "Kuna siku nilisoma Yesu wasn't crucified solo."
Tha first kirindi he thinks shud on tha plane ni madere wa mathree. "Angalia vile hao huingia na kifua mbele ya ndai yako au kudrive juu ya pevu wakati wa jam na makarao hawado any," he observes. "Na bado, usisahau kukirain wanadouble fare, au ghafla wanasay 'Mwisho wa gari,' kabla wafike bus stn na hakuna cha refund."
Group ya mbe ni wale wasay wana tabia funny tao. "Badala wakucall 'beste' or 'siste' they hiss at u kama nyoka ina audition 4 Kenyan idol," he sez. They r closely fuatwad by those who spit ovyo ovyo kwanza where u r about 2 step. "Hawa ma forko jembe ni alarm 2 sana wen TB imeshika kinyama." Turbulence complains dat even tho kanjo will now fine pips 2k or miezi kaa 3 cell in Inda 4 such tabias, it won't b effective. "Nani siku hizi atakosa kavu mbili wen mabanks, masacco na merry-go-rounds zinapatiana personal loans kama wazimu."
Tha third kerende of potential escorts ni makauzi who chapa u mambao juu uko na fone ya tene or just finje mfukoni. "It's mbof enuff kauzi anafinyilia mbao kwa shingo yako bila ya 1-months notice of intent," turbulence zushas, "without em bouting u 4 bebaing a 3210. Kwani hawacheki news? world imepararishwa na recession."
Fourth group ni pips who r sooo impatient 4 tha lift 2 fika ground flr mpaka wanafinya buttons zote. "Not only do they not time 4 tha lift 2 empty kabla waingie," turbulence observes, "but afta all dat drama kumbe wanashuka 1st flr!"
Fifth kirindi ni those who flash u as if kuna emergency. "Msay atakuflash kila dakika but ukimbuzz anakushow, 'Johnny, vipi. Ulicheki aji ball ya jana ya Man u na Arsenali?' "
Turbulence sez 4 now those guys r enuff 2 jaza ndege yake. "In case wakizidi tutacheki kama tunaweza chuja Michuki's rules, ndio wakae wanne wanne economy class."

Bernie Madoff emails application 2 Ubako afta parliament chujas Ringera's reappointment

Stato ime-email application ya mgongaji sugu Bernie Madoff 2 Ubako as a potential mdosi wa KACC afta ma-mps wachuje reappoinment ya Ringera on Wednesday. "Kizee, kama beste yenu wa kufa na kupona, tuko concerned sana hamna mkenya mnaweza amini awe mdosi wa kacc," sez Macho Red, bernie's watchie. "Kwanza afta Transparency International ibonge nyinyi ndio most corrupt Afrika mashariki."
Ringera amekuwa dongera wa kacc since '04 na despite kuget 2.5m shs kila mwezi as mshande, ameblame AG 4 lack of progress in nabbing wagongaji sugu.
Bernie alioperate pyramid scheme ya nguvu since the 90s that swung wadhii returns za 10-15% kila mwaka, lakini by the time he was busted in Dec '08, alikuwa amewagonga kitu ksh4 trillion. In June alikwachu 150yrs kwa cell. "As u can c, huyu mbuyu bernie ako na skillz na xperience noma in gongaing wadhii big time n as tha msemo goes, it takes a mgongaji 2 nab a mgongaji," macho sez.
Macho alichorwa kaa special bodyguard wa bernie juu sifa zake zinamfanya an easy target 4 makauzis. "Mimi huenda na yeye kila place hata kwa bafu, na pia lazima nitaste dishi yake in advance."
Stato iko so sure bernie ataget hiyo pozi mpaka ameanza daro on kenya ndio akiitiwa online interview by state hse, atakuwa fomu. "Jana aliletewa map ya africa na TV na akashoiwa by monday awe anaweza not only kutambua kenya blindfolded, but aweze kutamka words like 'sasa', 'beste' na 'sicheki na watu' thru watching kbc," macho sez. He adds dat kuna mpishi mkenya amechorwa part time kupikia bernie dish kama sembe, madondo na mihogo. "Ata make impression poa wakati wa online interview kaa atamanga madondo instead of maburger na manjiva."
Kwa application yake bernie swears he won't kwachu salo as part of community service, will prevent the next goldenberg n anglo leasing kashfas, with a special emphasis on busting pyramid schemes. "Bernie amejazika sana pyramid schemes zenu ziko nyuma juu zinatumia njaro kaa sending wadhii sms' like, 'U have won 1 million shs in tha Mwezi iko Corner Mbaya competition. Send airtime ya saw moja 2 claim your prize!' ", macho sez.
Stato iko tayari kuwachilia bernie on compassionate grounds akiget hiyo wax kama 2 vile scotland majuzi released Ali al-megrahi juu ako na cancer noma ya prostate. Ali alifungwa 4 life in '01 4 blowing up a ndege in '88. "Tunafeel itakuwa vizi bernie achizike kwa cell for miaka 150 wen anaweza whacha legacy poa by donating talanta yake saree kusaidia a third-world african country fight ugongaji," macho malizas.

TZ playa forces NBA team ijifunze swa bongo edition

NBA imeshow maplayaz wote wa Memphis Grizzlies wafike crash course in bongo swa afta hiyo team swung jobo 2 TZ's Hasheem Manka. "Kwanza, congrakiratu 2 hasheem kwa kukwachu wax kuwa center kwa hii team. Ni deal ya nguvu kizee and it proves stato is the land of opportunity and not China," sez Three Pointer, NBA's relationship manager in charge of foreign playaz. "Pili, hizi daro za swa zitawezesha hasheem na wenzake waelewane kwa court juu rules za league say mamono lazima wachezee team moja for 3 yrs."
He sez daro will simulate situation real. "Tuseme hasheem kaa centre aget ball karibu na rim ya team ingine, haitakuwa poa wasay kumshow, 'Dunk the ball, fool.' " Instead, itabidi waseme, "Kaka, tunaomba utumbukize mpira ndani ya kapu hadi itetemeke, kumaa maye!"
When hasheem playz well, his team won't holla, "U on fire dawg! That's whut we talkin bout. Word 2 motha." Instead, watasema, "Mshikaji, shukrani za dhati kwa kujitolea kinaga ubaga na kutuwezesha tushinde mchezo wa leo uliokuwa mgumu kishenzi."
But wen he plays mbof n his team loses a game, wadhii won't diss him by saying, "Nigga, u fucked up big time 2 day. What's up with dat nigga? U best raise yo game or yo ass is on the next flight back 2 Africa. U heard?" Baada yake, watasay, "Mwanangu, mbona uvivu leo? Changamka kaka, changamka."
Afta a game the crew won't ask him, "What's poppin gee? R u down with hittin tha spot n checkin out tha honeyz? Sip some henny n mack the cutes. U know what am sayin." Instead, deal itakuwa, "Mshikaji vipi. Tunajivinjali wapi baada ya mechi?"
Three pointer adds dat bongo flavour will be used 2 supplement the daros n with tha new season startin end of oct, he hopes by then da grizzlies watakuwa wamenyita swa ya bongo. "And who knows, hasheem, allen iverson n swa will b tha triple threat hiyo team needs 2 fika the playoffs next year," he sez.

Kahawa umas bench in UG as team mawatchie enters uanjo

UG imeamua kuchuja kahawa as its main magnet ya madollaray n replace it wit xportin mawatchie.

Hii ni afta 411 toboad dat stato imechora waganda kaa 12k as mawatchie in iraq since '05. "Tumebambika sana na hii risto juu inatushow hii sekta ndio itamurda usotaji among mavijanaa," sez waragi migingo, minister wa watchie affairs 'n cultural heritage. "Wasay hushiba kahawa na ndizi, but nani ushasikia ameshiba security?"

Migingo sez ministry yake iko na planz ajabu za kupiga jeki tha watchie industry. "Kutoka monday seco zitabegin teachin watchman studies kutoka form 1-4, na itakuwa compulsory in U.C.S.E. eggzam," he xplains. Migingo semas dat maseco pia itabidi ziwe na career talks kila wiki conducted by prominent watchies ambao wameshine in iraq, alafu mahedi wapost hizo talks online as proof.

Roadshows za kupromote UG watchies in africa zitafanyika. "In tha spirit of EA cooperation tutaanza na somalia alafu kenya kule tunaweza leta amani kwa border ya turkana na pokot districts," he sez. "Baadae, tutafika places kaa darfur na niger delta." In fact, pimping UG watchies majuu itakuwa part of performance contracts 4 ma-ambassadors.

Famos dat chomoa watchies 4 export hazitachota income tax, vat na medical bills kwa hosi za gova. "That's the least we can do kuappreciate vile wamejitolea kuensure UG achieves MDGs," migingo points out.

Waganda wishing 2 become watchies cha mbele shud apply online thru www.watchieaffairs.go.ug or sms "teacher, teacher, nataka kuwa watchie majuu" to 256 na ministry itawabuzz. 

Afta Semenya, IAAF itatest nyauthis in Berlin

As tha IAAF amuas kama Caster Semenya ni charlie, manzi au charlie-manzi, inasemekana IAAF pia itatest all nyauthiz pausing in Berlin. "Makarao have orders 2 nab all miros in tao," says Red Biro aka r.biro, IAAF chief invigilator. "Msijali, hazitakuwa tests sugu, basic 2."
Test ya fao will be geog. "Tutawai hawa wa-africa map ya world na itabidi wapoint pale berlin iko," r.biro xplains. He adds maexaminer wako na option of asking wasay 2 locate nchi zao kwa map. "Lakini sio important kama test ya fao."
Test ya mbe will involve manyauthi proving they lived in cagers be4 fikaing berlin. "Tutawapeleka nje ya cager fulani na one by one wataitwa ndani to show us not only burungu kama switch, TV, window, shower, bed, etc, but also their uses," r.biro maintains.
Since wadhii nje ya continent hudhani in africa we ride lions, elephants na wanyama wengine, identifying ndai itakuwa janta ya tatu. "Tutawashow picha alafu they have 2 show us tyres, boot, engine, tenje, clutch and so on," r.biro sez. He adds dat kulikuwa na mpango ya kurent ndai 4 practicals, lakini campu za insurance zikadinda na cover 'coz this mass scale experiment has never been tried be4.'
4th, nyauthiz itabidi waprove their knowledge n experience in using ganji. "Tutawapeleka supermarket fulani tao where we will swing em shopping lists," r.biro xplains. "Lengo letu ni kuona kama wanaweza anza safari from tha shelf hadi cashier bila blunders."
Finally, nyauthiz will have 2 prove they weren't ng'araing in skinz n blankets kabla washoot berlin. "Itabidi watambue not only burungu kama njumu, skirt, long'i, socks, etc" r.biro sez, "but vile hizo huvaliwa."
R.biro confirms dat final results hazita affect visa status ya wale watagwara. "Wasijali, tutawapeleka beginner classes na doe zetu," he sez. But anaonya hizi tests mite be conducted in future on nyauthiz intending 2 visit not just berlin, but otha parts of europe, stato, asia na uarabuni.

Karaos 2 excel in customer service afta evening daros

Makarao wameconfirm maneno matamu yako njiani afta getting elimu ya ngumbaru in customer care. "Tuseme mathegi carjack u on a Friday jioni and by kismat dump u alive at Karura forest with your fone, ukitubuzz hatutalenga fone," sez inspector Njumu Zinametameta. "Instead, tutakushow, 'Shukran 4 buzzing 999. Pole sana beste 4 yo misfortune 'n we feel u, we really do. Lakini manze ndai yetu haina GPS. Si u buzz us in 2030 hivi. Cheers' "
Zinametameta adds dat u shouldn't stress ukigongana na magava on patrol in yo mtaa usiku usiku. "Hakuna ofisa atakuask, 'Unatoka wapi, unaenda wapi, leta ID haraka haraka!' " Instead they will enquire how yo day was, recognise vile umeng'ara poa, n kumbusha u how muhadhara it is 2 tembea mtaani malate kwanza these days of elec rationing. "In fact mmoja wetu will volunteer 2 escort u hadi cager yako," Zinametameta sez.
He xplains dat mama pimas will b treated with r.e.s.p.e.c.t. during misakos. "Be4 tulikuwa tunapita na mlango halafu tunabamba pombe haramu," he reminisces. "Lakini kutoka morrow we will kwanza knock, gotea mama Timo n her clayos, alafu show her tuko na copy ya nguvu kwamba ana ndonyo ng'ang'u in violation of section 254, subsection 020 of the keroro act of the Lancaster House constitution of the sovereign republic of kenya.' " Zinametameta sez magava will then request mama timo afungue mlango mos mos.
And wen traffic cops suddenly simamisha mandai tao ndio orezo apite, mmoja wao will xplain situation 2 u. "Gota dere, wazi. Eazer jo, tunaelewa una rush 2 drop dat urgent maize importation tender. Lakini time mdogo ndio prezzo afike mtaani 4 tiabe ya saa nne."

Bano, cati, 2 fufuka during Nai blakouts

Wasay wa area code 020 hv been shown kuna side poa ya elec rationin dat is on like a nanzenz. "Ukweli, wadhii wa jiji wana right ya kuzusha lakini sio saaana," sez Nchi Giza, tha MC during jana's official launch of the Nai edition of the kenya elec rationing show kule jamu park.
Giza xplains vile tabia mbaya huanza home ndio pia huko kuna gap 4 innovation during raondi hii ya mablackouts. "Nani hajacheki vile wakidi wengi siku hizi wakitoka daro na pia wikendi wanakuwanga juu ya mavideo na fone games 2 sana?" giza asks. "Sasa mapero wako na chance ya kuteach majnr wao michezo that don't need elec kama bano, ball, cati na bladder."
Inter personal relationships ni sekta ingine giza sez rationin itapiga jeki mdogo. "Mara mob tukifika cagerni afta colle au kuhustle, si huenda straight kucheki tv, kumanga alafu kudoro," he observes. "Sasa vile elec itakuwa less ma usiku usiku hivi, famo zitapata xtra time ya kugoteana na kupiga story kaa wanamunch candle-lit dinner."
Tukienda side ya wax, giza sez macampu shud temporarily chuja dat doze of wasay kudunga suti daily. "Since elec itakuwa inajikata 6am, itakuwa hard kuguarantee shati na mini-skirt smooth daily," he warns wadosis. Giza suggests 'dress down fridays' 2 b replaced with 'dress down daily.'
Juu big ass companies haziguswi na rationing, giza ameshauri ma jua-kalis 2 marry ndio next time watanusurika. "Haja gani musifiwe ati SMMEs r tha engine of development alafu kukithoka mnakuwa wa kwanza kunyimwa elec?" Giza adds ni urgent wadosis wa jua-kali wakae down, waboti candles bei ya wholesale, na waanze kunego.

Hilary updates Bill on her Nai raos with Somalia orezzo

Sasa sweetie. Niko poa on my tour of Africa na nabambika ni aji! Na hope ile dishi nilikuachia kabla nishoot bado iko.
Nway, leo yote nilikuwa Nai where among otha pips i met was prezzo Ahmo wa Somalia. Si unamesea makauzi hiyo mtaa won't let hata mende ivisit. Noma sweetie, noma.
Afta press conference Ahmo alichomoa mpango ya kunipeleka Easich. I was like, "Where the *** is Easich?" Akanishow Easich is Mogadishu's twin sis, only difference being Easich is multi-cultural. I was game. We went 2 Posta where I almost blundered by dandiaing tha 1st mathree displaying the '9' kibao kwa windscreen. "Unado? Hauoni hii mathree vile imechoka?" Ahmo tetad.
We tegead kiasi halafu mathree moja with a variety of colours, sagging tyres, an exhaust that sounded like a rocket, and baggy side mirrors checked in. Ahmed showed me 2 fuata him, lakini hatunge compete na madem/macharlie wa seco who didn't even ngoja mathree isimame. By tha time tujisunde ndani ndai ilikuwa chrome. Kulikuwa na charlie moja holding coins mob kwa mkono ya right and shaking them as if he was sending a secret message. He also kept on repeating, "Mwisho wa gari tafadhali, mwisho wa..." "This is tha condi, beste yangu sana hadi utabebwa saree," Ahmo xplained. He then gotead dere and in sekunde kadhaa charlie moja who was seated next to tha dere was chujwad and I replaced him.
Mathree anzad safari halafu vitu mbe fanyikad tulipofika Luthuli ave: dere aliwachilia ngoma zingine loud viajabu na pia akafinya ndai mpaka I thot we wud fly! Mwisho wa Luthuli tukaget jam on River rd. Lakini condi mjanja akashow dere asijifunge na jam, apasulie thru Kirinyaga rd and off we went, kwanza wrong side! Fikaing Mtoni tukapata karao who raised his mkono. Lakini wapi, tha dere, who was tafunaing some greenish majani frm a juala, lengad him big time. Nikamuangalia in horror. "Usijali supuu. Huyo karao tunajua dawa yake na tutampitia squad next," he semad.
Wakati mathree fikad Garage, Ahmo showed me tudondoke. Damn, dere alikuwa charlie moja mhandsome! "Kitambo kidogo hii ndio ilikuwa base ya boo za KBS," Ahmo pointed to tha empty museum. Tukaendelea kupiga kalesa lakini kwa roadi juu pevu side zote zilikuwa zimeshona ma hawker na taka taka. I also did long jump 2 avoid sewage na mate.
Next stop was Garissa Lodge where kila burungu frm a 21-inch telly hadi G-string zilikuwa zinauzwa bei ya jioni. Nikaconvert hizo bei 2 madollaray na chief, huskii Stato tunagongwa kugongwa! Baada ya tour mdogo nikageiwa complimentary CD of 'bongo la biashara' by the Garissa Lodge Hustlers Sacco.
Next ilikuwa cager ya broker flani wa mitoo. Si alikuwa na selection ya nguvu: Ak, 9mm... si usaray. He swung me a complimentary AK. "Don't get it twisted. He xpects u 2 unganishia 4 him bizna in Stato thru AGOA," Ahmo sed.
Nilikuwa naanza kuenjoi hii tour n was looking fwd 2 visiting the next SME wen karao nabbed Ahmo and ordered him atoe ID chap chap. I tetad dat this was a denial of his human right of freedom of movement. "Tuliza au sisi wawili tutalala ndani," he sed. "Time 2 hapo narudi." I decided to buzz Ubako n zusha wen shit, I kumbukad fone yangu can't roam in Africa. I was about 2 give up on Ahmo wen he came back kaa anahema "Woria, msako noma nakwambia." He showed me tour itabidi ikatike n we dandiad the nearset mathree 2 tao.
Lakini Ahmo ni mchoraji. Wen we were in Ngara he buzzed wadhii kadhaa and tukajikuta at the HQ za Easich Veve Stock Exchange (EVSE) at Wilson airport. Nikajionea vile veve is bot, packaged n loaded kwa ndege 4 xport majuu. As usual nikathanyua a complimentary gunia ambayo tutaveveka nayo nikirudi home, usijali.
Siku interesting au sio. Whacha nikadoro juu morrow nashoot SA. Lala unono my dear.
PS: Nai kuna power rationing so sikupiga mbisha na fone yangu 2 save battery, pole.

Kenyanz pausing majuu advised of how 2 avoid Gates' karao experience

Afta a nyauthi professor wa nguvu was kamatuad by stato makarao 4 pitaing with his own mlango ya cager yake, ubako n tinga's gova has chomoad a 'Usido' survival guide online 4 wakenya already there na pia wale flying out leo. "Sema. Afta kisanga ya henry gates kubambua na makarao kwa cager yake even afta awashow I.D. yake, imebidi tuonye wakenya in advance," sez tukae masaa of tha wakenya walioko majuu (wwm) dept of the min. of foreign affairs.
Gates alipita na mlango ya cager yake baada ijam kufunguka, lakini neighbour mngoso alishtua makarao ati kuna makauzi in dat diggs.
Masaa warns kenyans living majuu, n particularly in stato, not 2 photocopy gates' njaro shud their doors jam kufunguka. "Sakanya neighbour mngoso acome apite na huo mlango, lakini kwanza mshow I.D. yako na title deed kaa uko nayo," he xplains. He adds if yo jiranis diss u, then buzz makarao.
2nd, if yo mots battery chips mangware, tafadhali usijaribu 2 stua it. "Ningeku advise uende works na mathree, alafu lunch time ucome na breakdown preferably ya mngoso," masaa cautions.
Tatu, tuseme mboch wako apate bottee call alafu asahau kuanua mng'aro, don't jaribu kuzianua usiku afta wax. "Unless kunarain, time hadi morning," masaa sez.
Nne, kaa unacharge fone yako at jobo, usidhubutu kuidisconnect fuaaa afta battery ishone. "Ita ma colleague wawili-watatu wangoso alafu ushow mmoja abuzz namba yako 2 prove fone ni yako," masaa sez. He adds dat yo chances of being believed r hi kama ringtone yako inajivunia kuwa ya kikenya.

Ghana continues 2 angukia mazuri afta Obama visit

Wiki mbe tu after obama avisit ghana, stato bado inaendelea kukatia dat country. Fao, stato imechuja visa requirement 4 maghanaians. "Hali. Yenyewe since maslaves kitambooooo walipitia ghana kabla wafike stato na hawakuneed mavisa, mbona raondi hii tuinsist wawe na visa wakiland?" sez mob cocoa, of tha new offo dept of ghanaian affairs kule white hse.
Cocoa, who reports directly 2 obama, adds dat stato's balozi in ghana hatazusha wen hiyo gova tupas mbao matime zake. "Tuseme mahawker wa accra walete noma tao wakihandwa na kanjo alafu makarao wafyatue risasi, ambassador wetu won't organise a press conference kudemand ghanaian gova iresepect human rites," he xplains. "Instead atabonga thru 'diplomatic channels' juu anarecognise ghana ni sovereign state."
Alafu shud ugonjwa muhadhara kaa swine flu chomoka frm ghana in future, cocoa promises dat stato won't respond with a travel advisory. "In fact tutachochea wasay wa stato wavisit ghana kwa wingi ndio wapige jeki sekta ya utalii," he confirms.
Stato inapanga kutetea ghana ijoin un security kanjo na G8. "Si unamesea africa iko missing in these places," cocoa sez. "So tunafeel ghana ni tha best nchi kuwaklilisha so we will ng'ang'ana iwe member be 4 2030."
Kumalizia, stato haitaruhusu reports that may embarrass ghana kama zile za transparency international go unchallenged. "Tutamaintain hizi story ni biased, alarmist, sensational and aimed at undermining investor confidence in ghana," cocoa fumes. "Kwahivyo, tutashow international community wazilenge."

Kuna gud side 2 Nai woday rationing

Nai pips no doubt wamekatsika sana na this scandal ya woday rationin', lakini mbuyu mmoja thinks kuna hidden opportunities ndani ya hii noma. "Bebaing a 20-litre mtungi kutoka kwa gate hadi bafu ya cager yako ni tizi muafaka 4 mwili yako yote, kwanza ma biceps," claims Glasi Kaquarter, a chlorine, soray, chalk supplier 2 kanjo who now hana bizna. Kaquarter ongezas dat Nai pips tumekuwa walazy kinyama. "Hauniamini nini. Cheki, tunakwachu lift hata kama tunashoot 1st flr! Hii tizi itatufanya tuwe active mdogo angalau tuishi miaka mob."
Kaquarter sez hii rationin' ni gap deadly ya bizna for mayouth. "Maboys na madem wale watado bizna ya kundonyo maji will saidia gova 2 create 500k jobos kila mwaka, na pia watapunguza usotaji na ukauzi."
Kaquarter, amabaye anapanga kuwa kanjora soon, has axed Nai chix 2 lower their standards kiasi wen sororaing a msay on their 1st date. "Ukweli, macharlie wengi hii time hawataweza kupiga passport shower daily, whacha hata full shower. So itabidi wamix roll on na jasho," he confesses. He ombas mashorays wasichuje jamaas ambao watatupa kiasi. "Surely, there's mo 2 a msay than usafi au sio."
Kuna vile Nai pips hawalike kuswim unless wen they r in coasto, na hii rationing ni chance yetu ya kulearn s'thin brandy. "Not only will we jifunza kuswim n' ongeza hii skill kwa CV, but simultaneously tutasafisha mwili kaa tunaogelea," he xplains.
Lakini Kaquarter sez 2 fuly faidika wasay tafadhali wasinyore ndani ya pool.

Kenyanz omboleza MJ's chipping

Wakenya wamejoin wasay wengine worldwide kuomboleza MJ's sudden chippin' on june 25. "Uko fresh lakini. Huskiii tulistuka mbaya mbof kusikia Maiko ameukata," sez Macho Wazi, the watchie who checkis woday levels at Masinga dam. "Afta tutinge hii dam juu maji imekuwa less, tulikuwa tunapanga kucontract MJ ah moonwalk hadi moon ahresearch kama atawai maji hiyo mtaa."
Mungiks pia wanalia kinyama. "Sisi kwanza tumepigwa dummy ya mwaka," tetas Pande Zote, mdosi wa new biz development. "Tulipoget 411 ati Mj anapanga comeback concerts kaa finje in Brito, chap chap tukasmell deal." Pande Zote xplains dat they showed Jacko's agent dat itabidi ahsign contract agreeing 2 chotea Mungiks kaa 10% ya doe zake frm kila show. "Hata visa application ya lawyer wetu iko Brito embassy tayari," she reveals.
Chix who tumia skin lightening creams r also feeling uchungu. Ngozi Lite, chairlady n founder of tha Kenya Guild of Dedicated Cream Consumers (KGDCC), sez sir kifo's timing imewabore. "Hii ni balaa. Tulikuwa tumeorganise conference bigi inaitwa 'I feel nothing' juu mahaterz wengi diss us 4 using em creams," she zushas. "Ilikuwa imebaki kidogo 2 MJ ahconfirm atakuwa main speaker alafu akadie, damn."
Finally, MJ's death has left a quoro of mathays who had planned a joint b-day bash hanging. "Katika harakati za kucut costs, wamatha wote hood yetu whose sons share birthdays amuad kuwapeleka out nxt weekend wajibonde na face painting na bouncing castles," sez Mama Jimmy. "Mal8ers, we were 2 surprise em by unleashing MJ awasomee bedtime stories."

Kenya n zim on each otha's case kuhusu iran's supuu tender

Iran imeshortlist kenya n zim in tha final rao of a tender 2 provide consultancy services kuhusu formin n runnin a grand coalition gova.
Prezzo ahmadinejad's recent reelection 4 a 2nd stay at state hse was kataliwad by mousavi, fuatwad by noma in teheran. "Afta annan suggested dat ahmadinejad abaki prezzo na mousavi awe prime minister, alitushow tusakanye skills kutoka nchi zingine with xperience kwa sector ya coalition gova," sez ali bin ali, a broker promising both countires dat watashinda hiyo tender.
Lakini kenya n zim wanazushiana 'bout ukora tactics 2 kwachu an unfair advantage. "Tunasikia kutoka sources za nguvu ya kwamba kenya imegay iran kahawa, tiabe na maua za saray," complains mucheburere muchaburara frm tha zim compe.
But kenya's mwangi opiyo, chaguliwad by consensus at a pnu/odm retreat at mau forest 2 be tha tender delegation mdosi, sez zee. "Whachana na hao mahaters kutoka zim, hawamesei kile wanabonga. Iko shida gani tukicome na kahawa na tiabe ya kenya kwa boardroom meeting na client?" Mwangi opiyo ongezas dat tha roses' harufu act as air fresheners ''coz saa zingine by mistake msay anaweza shu... shuuta."
He sez it's zim chezaing game haramu. "Mbona wanateta na tunasikia wameshow iran wataget kiraiko na labour za saray wakinab hiyo deal?" Zim is a serious tobacco n labour xporter yaani.
But mucheburere kataas dat shtaka. " Shindwe! makosa iko wapi tukirelax na client na kiraiko after meeting stressful mbele barley haikubaliwi huku?" He confirms no xcess labour frm zim is available juu wadhii kaa wote wako S.A.
Ali bin ali semas iran will amua mshindi either be4 kenya sets up tribunal au annan pelekas bahasha ya masuspects hague, whicheva cuts earlier. The winner kwachus free ngata hadi iran's next elections, with an option of nuclear power ''skills transfer'' at 50% discount.

Brito pelekas kenya 2 court afta mau mau zaks tupa da first punch

Brito imeamua kucounter sue kenya afta mau mau vets pelekad case kortini in brito on tue demanding munde 4 stress they pitiad in concentration camps during emergency period ya 1952-60.
Joseph johnson, a retired mzae who used 2 shona homeguards' uniforms during dayz of ukoloni, ako nai as brito's star witness. He sez brito iko na reasons kadhaa why kesi yao ni sugu.
"Is vipi. I say, tulileta kingoso kenya kwa meli alafu tuka waachia roho safi bila kuwalipisha," he xplains. "Lakini afta 63 mukaichafua kabisa: ati sasa ni nailobi badala ya nairobi, fees badala ya fish, sbrint badala ya sprint, daaamn!" He ongezas dat sheng imemake ish worse. "Tafadhali, tuheshimiane boss. Usitaje hiyo jina mbele yangu."
Mbuyu jose sez dish ni reason 2. "Cheki, english breakfast inabamba kinyama. but zee, sasa not only did u chuja it, but hata b-fast raondi hii hamumangi kwa cager," he caused. "Eti munalike chai ya offo ikisindikizwa na ndao, chapo au samo." Jose adds mabeste linking up afta wax 4 kahawa au barley instead of hi tea pia haimjazz.
Tatu ni dress code. "Wakati tulikuwa tunarun show hii mtaa macharlie wote walikuwa wanadunga kinyasa na kunyolewa kijeshi," mbuyu jose kumbukas. "Lakini sasa macharlie including makarao wanachapilia long'i na lo, pia wanasuka nywele! scandal charlie yangu, scandal." He adds dat jamaaz saggin jeanoz in tao wana muudhi ni aji. "At first nili jijazia wasay waliboti jeano oversize kimakosa alafu mashop zikadinda kuxchange. Afta kuuliza uliza nikashoiwa kwani naishi wapi."
Mbuyu jose sez 4 now those 3 mashtakas will form brito's case - but ongezas brito is willin 2 drop 'em if the mau mau vets kill their kesi. "Beste, mbona mnatafuta beef na sisi yet brito huboti valentine's day roses mob kutoka kenya kila mwaka?"

Teeniez sasa demandin 4 1800cc ndais

Folks wameteta dat minister soita's maoni dat hawezi fika a funky in a small ride coz it's 4 teeniez is 2 blame 4 their kidoz turnin 18 sasa demandin motis.
Wen he chopped gova's budget majuzi, uhuru downgraded ministas from shindes, prados, rangeez, etc to 1800cc motis 2 save munde gova spends on ngata n kirinyaga rd spares.
Afta soita's kichwa ngumu diss, peros whose tois r gongaing 18 wanakiona. "Pato aliturn 18 on june 18," semas baba pato. "Hiyo asubuhi ngware pato alinishow mbisha za ndai za 1800cc zile alikuwa amedownload kwa fone yake ndio a book test drive." Baba pato stukad, thinkin dat pato had angukiad ganji za power kutoka those emails dat promise jamaas mamilioni in commission if u swing em yo a/c no ndio wadeposit their inheritance from a dead sonko who was a distant rela.
"Wapi, pato alinikumbusha ati ni birthday yake na since huyu mbuyu anaitwa shitash alibonga 1800cc ndais r for teeniez, kuna vile naweza organise moja?" Baba pato xplains dat pato has been smsin him like kila dakika, includin emailing him links 2 all websites of dealers from ngong rd 2 park rd 2 thika rd dat specialise in 1800cc rides. "Boss, what's this? Huyu mjnr amenoki nini? Si juzi juzi birthday ilikuwa cake, babito, watoi kucheza hide n seek alafu jioni washoot home," he kumbukas.
He sez wen he gongad 18 his mafolks walimpeleka 2 tha chief where he kwachud an I.D. "Alafu wakanipiga msomo ati sasa niwache tabia za kitoto kama kucheza na ball ya juala, othawise sitapata wife."
Baba pato ameamua kulenga pato's calls n jobo OT, even tho works don't chota 4 OT siku hizi.
But mama pato, who is also being handwad by pato n is avoiding him by attendin mo chama meetings, baby showers n keshas, amechomoa idea ingine.
"Nitamobilise mapero wote ambao watoi wao wamegonga 18 n r demandin 1800cc motis as birthday gifts. Halafu tutademonstrate nje ya nani huyo, eh, soita's offo demandin aseme he was misquoted or s'thin," declares mama pato. "Labda alimaanisha the cars r 4 ministas' tois who r turning 18, au kitu kama hiyo."

Walalo marebels unleash face 1 of 'operation tuvamie kenya'

Ile kirindi inajiita al shabaab from walalo land dat on thursday tishad 2 invade kenya coz tumeweka ma soldiers kaa thao kwa border ime unleash face 1 of its njama.
In a DVD delivered in liboi tao along da border by a kwishad ngamia dat chipped papo hapo afta kumaliza missioni, colonel risasi bin suesyde boma semad dat itaanza by dissing kenyan veve. "Tutasare kuveveka na veve kutoka meru juu mnadharau ile customer loyalty tunawapatia daily," he tetad in tha movie dat had swa sub-titles. "Kubaf, kumbe hizo mamilioni munatumia kuboti silaha ndio mucome kutustua. Sawa bas, uzieni hiyo veve yenu hao wangoso wana wasupply na ma A.K." Bin suesyde boma confessed his pips wud suffer withdrawal symptoms but aka insist "afadhali tubambike na moshi ya xhaust."
Step 2 itakuwa kukoma investing in easich n south c. "Hatuta spend doe kuboti mathree kila wiki za namba 9 au macager mugoya," he xplained. "Tutasunda hizo doe chini ya mattress instead."
Tatu is no mo bringin of ngombez from north eastern 2 nai. "Si mumezoea kufika kenyatta marko kumanga ugali choma. Mnadhani hiyo nyake imetoka wapi? Sasa muanze kuzoea sembe cabbage au ka hamuwezani, pia kuna crusade uhuru park kila lunchtime," he sed.
Bin suesyde boma ongezad dat invadin kenya ilikuwa option ya fao, but aka convince wadosi wake waende mos mos. "Wakenya, mnafaa munigay nuff respect juu kama sio ile MBA nilikwachu in soft skills management kutoka mogadishu metropolitan uni, raondi hii ingekuwa mapambano, mapambano."

Conje to jaribu keep ma mps macho during budget speech

Bunge raondi hii has chomoad a mpango dat labda will kazia mps from dozing when uhuru chops his fao budget next thursday.
Mays, parliament's chief usher and door locker, says alipata motisha ya kudo s'thin 1 aftay after mps scattered juu ya lack of quoro. "Jo, nilikuwa idle na mimi hutinga wax 4.32. So nika amua kucheki clips za last year ndio nijue risto ya sitting arrangement," he xplains. "Ebu imajin ma mp kaa wote walikuwa wanang'orota wakati kimush alikuwa anabonga story ya ganji za mabilioni. Mezesha charlie yangu, mezesha."
Mays semas afta kuwatch hiyo horror movie, he amuad kubrainstorm solutions kabla ya june 11, but haikuwa eazy. "Nilibonga na ma dere na ma bodyguards. Wakachomoa ideas kaa nichew paper kwa mdomo kaa veve alafu nitupie ma mp wanaotuna, au niandike majina zao alafu ni email speaker man ken, etc."
It was in kachmega while attending a ngo-sponsored workshop on 'current best practice in parliamentary ushering' dat mays angukiad a suluhisho. "Kuna sato nilienda kucheki bullfighting ndio ikanihit: Conje!" he xclaims.
Wen he came back, Mays had 2 time her 4 kitu a month along thika rd be4 he caught up with her one ngware doing tizi. "Kwanza, aliitisha cash in advance lakini nikamshow hakuendangi hivyo kwa tender za gova," he bongas.
"Lakini alinionya tukijaribu ujanja ya typing error kwa cheque yake atatufunza adabu style ya mike tyson."
He is fired dat conje will toboa juu since our mps r vichwa ngumu, wanahitaji dawa sugu only her jabs can deliver. Mays burnt 4 her a CD of the clip of the mps doroing so that she can jua who r the problem swatchists. "So, siwezi sema ako wapi saa hii, but ni location ya nguvu: gym, telly, buffet, maji hot, massage, na kadhlalika."
Only 1 shida now sumbuas mays be4 thursday. "Sijui akae side gani: pnu au odm. Bamba hii biz card yangu, ukipata ideas ni buzz."

Charm brewers wanahope kuwai nyayo stadi deal

Mathays who ndonyo charm in nai wamechomoa mpango ya ulizaing wadosi wa nyayo stadi 2 let em brand it. Hii ni afta gova chujad da 3-yr deal dat had swung coke da right 2 rename hiyo place "coca-cola national stadium."
Mama Pima, mdosi wa new business development of tha Charm Brewers SACCO, sed ni wakati wa charm kupewa respect due afta miaka kaa 40 ya being hated on. "Ni antaji. Whacha nikusimulie histo mdogo. Wakoloni hawakulike ng'ang'u juu ilikuwa inapatia barley za kwao compay noma," she xplained, "So wakaichomea wire by saying oh ati inadhuru afya ya wadhii, oh sijui ng'ang'u inavunja ma famo, vako mob."
Mama Pima aliongeza ya kwamba charm bado iko chonjo depite kunyimwa its right 2 a fair trial ndani ya soko huru."Ebu jiulize, wale wadhii wewe hucheki mangware daily wakipiga kalesa hadi inda kutafuta unga unadhani jioni hao hupunguza stress za nini?" she axed.
Mama Pima alikubali SACCO yao haiwezi compete na coke which had chotad kaa ksh120m 4 da deal, but anasay wakipatiwa chance ya kupenya, watashine be4 2030. " Yenyewe 120 metre raondi hii hatuwezani nayo, lakini jiask, Mungiks wangeingilia hii bizna kama haingekuwa na doe?"
Kuhusu visa vya wateja kulostisha eyesight au kudedi afta kunywa ng'ang'u imeongezwa methanol xcess, Mama Pima reassured existing n potential customers dat SACCO yao haihusiki. "Ni hali ya bizna. Kila sekta iko na wakora, lakini SACCO yetu iko na code of conduct. Kwa mfano, ma members wetu hawawezi ongeza bei ovyo ovyo from hashu kila glass bila consensus. Sisi sio kaa campu za ngata."
Mama Pima announced dat Charm Brewers SACCO hivi karibuni itazindua awareness campaign kenya nzima kusensitise wadhii juu ya benefits za charm. "Tunapanga kuanza na hapa jiji nyayo stadi sikukuu ya madaraka. Tutakuwa na tent ndani ambayo tutainvite wasay waje wataste masamples," she said. "Tutashukuru sana kaa ubako na tinga watapitia, na tunahope baadae charm yetu haitasemekana ina ladha ya mavi ya kuku."

M7 ni mganda kweli?

Wen M7 bongad mbof kuhusu jang'os in Bongo in swa while gassing 'bout 254's beef with 256 over migingo, 1 muthii shukud his citizenship.
Maji Chumvi, mdosi of the NGO Migingo Dala dat he anzishad afta UG's jeshi pandiliad its flag in migingo, semad M7's use of swa ni evidence yeye si mu-U.G. "Ebu wewe niambie, ni waganda wangapi ushasikia wakibonga swa tangu uzaliwe? Nishow mmoja now now nikuwai ngiri," he challenged.
M7 was quoted tapikaing doze like, "Hakuna mjaluo ataenda kuvua samaki huko," "... mpaka inasunguka kisiwa." Chumvi xplains hizi statements zilimfanya anotice iko kitu. "Tunafaa kuchunguza histo ya M7 ndio tuthibithishe huyu mbuyu kweli ametoka wapi. Hajamarry wife mkenya, hakusomea kenya, hana marela kenya. Anamesea aji lugha?"
Chumvi observed ukichuja Y from Yoweri, unabaki na Oweri, na ukiondoa K from Kaguta alafu usunde M instead, inakuwa Magũta. "Coincidence? Wewe niambie," he ongezad.
Chumvi also sed dat M7 baadae insisting eti he was misquoted showed wathii ako na DNA same kaa 2 wanasiasa wa kenya."Si hata wewe unamesea wanasiasa wa kenya vile hudeny walibonga matope hata kama wamedabiwa live kwa tv," he xplained, "na cheki pia vile M7 hulike kudunga godfatha kaa 2 ma MP wetu wakiwa kwa harambee au matanga kwa constituency."
Chumvi semad migingo dala's 1st mpango was 2 saka doe za kuboti boats, torches na makasi ya kukata kata ug's bendera supper time while the ug soldiers wako juu ya matoke. "Lakini sasa tumepiga u-turn. Tutabonga na madonor wetu majuu tuone kama kuna vile wanaweza tupiga jeki ya kudo research kuhusu M7. Nanusia tutachimba info ya nguvu ya kuprove yeye si mganda. Alafu itabidi akome."

Marela, mabeste, 2 blame 4 typing error kwa budget jnr

Ministry ya ganji imeblame marela na mabeste who visit da typing pool offo daily 4 the kenya chumes 9.2b typing error kwa budget jnr ile uhuru alichomolea bunge.
"Manze si unajua story za marela na mabeste. Wengine wanaleta CV za wakidi zao ndio wachorwe job kwa gova, wengine wanasaka boo flite, wengine wanajifanya eti ni salamu 2 kumbe nia yao ni kudowea teabe ya 4pm, shida kaa 40," semad vidole nyepesi, mdosi wa typing pool since dec 24, 1963.
Vidole ongezad tha worst doze was his KYMs thinking they can multitask, especially mafriday aftay when wadhii buzz them 2 panga mipango ya afa wax. "Cheki, hizi harakati za kumake na kuconfirm madate huchanganyisha matypists wangu, halafu malaterz wanatype vitu zao. Muhadhara charlie yangu, muhadhara."
Vidole semad he had tried kaziaing wageni from fikaing typing pool, but his KYMs tetad dat wakifika home jioni wanakuta kaa wamengojewa kwa cager, with some of them ending up mangaing supper ya saree and swatching over 4 tha nite. "Tuliona 2 yenyewe hatuwezi kujitenga from jamii juu tuko wax kwa ministry ya doe na tunanyonga tai. Afadhali tumalizane na hawa wadhii hapa offo, tuachie malandlord monopoly ya kututime kwa cager mtaani," vidole sed.
Lakini he confirmed itabidi akazie wageni kuingia typing pool time crucial ya kupresent budget kaa ile ya June. "Tutashow soldier asiruhusu mothii yeyote kupita reception. Instead he will buzz huku juu then either my kym will teremka downstairs 2 meet his mgeni or kaa hajiskii, atasay ako kwa meeting na minister."

Ni madondo, not kuku porno, 4 rudge team

Da Otato under-mbao rudge team dat lost 33-32 2 tha local mboyz jijini majuzi wameshoiwa 2 immediately chuja burgers, manjiva, sodays, kuku porno na takataka zingine from their digestive systems.
64 cents, the pissed off cocha, confirmed this benchside declaration while yeye na maboyz wake mangad ugali madondo at a kayosk in inda. "Boss, si be4 2 land hii mtaa nilimesea match itakuwa walkover mbele nani duniani harecognise stato ndio show stopper iwe ni ganji, ngoma, michezo, mamovie, mandai... niendelee au nisiendelee?" he ulizad.
64 confessed alidhani kenya was part of hawaii and he had 2 tune obama 2 get passport ya dharura, ongezad by tha time stato was leading 32-14, alikuwa ashapanga whut 2 bonga baadae. "Ningeshow wakenya hii tabia ya kumanga sijui sembe, fish, madondo, chapo, matoke, murram na kadhalika msaray kaa mnataka maboy wenu wafaulu kwenye sekta ya rudge. Badala yake, muanze kumunch maburger, manjiva, kuku porno, mahot dog, mapizza, etc kaa mara tatu daily isivi."
But afta maboy wetu came bak from reverse n shindad, 64 na crew yake walibaki wamezubi. "Kizee, kwanza nilijijazia kuna uchawi unaendelea kwa pitch. Lakini afta nithibitishe hakukuwa na mende headless kwa uanjo, nikatuliza," he ongezad. It was wen he chekid one of his mboyz dishing a burger afterwards dat he gutukad ya kwamba mlo ndio ilichomea wire squad yake. "Nilishow huyo boy apige hiyo burger conversion na ahakikishe imeland ngong rd," he xplained.
64 pia hamishad em from their cbd hotel 2 thika, from where they have 2 piga kalesa 2 n fro nai daily. "Hii stori ya kumanga mlo local na pia kusidestep makauzi, mathree being driven juu ya pevu, mahawker na makarao itawathanya tizi enuff na mifupa sugu ndio tuweze kubonda sio tuu kenya next time, but pia mateam zingine kwa hii compe," he semad.

Mboches bamba afta G10 incites mamaz, bachelorz cancel weddos

Da uamuzi by G10 2 chochea Kenyan mamas 2 nyima jamaas booty has led 2 a sudden increase in demand for mbochnes in nai.
Madam L, a ex-mboch who sasa runs her own mboch placement kabureau near kencom, in addition 2 a salon n a massage parlour, sed she was lazimishwad 2 lenga jienjoying long weekend 2 do bizna afta traffic kibao on her kabureau's website wekad jam n and crashed. "Wa, boss, si hii risto ya kunyima macharlie vitu imeleta tafash tao. Huskii nilikuwa nimepanga kuishia coast kula hepi lakini wapi, imebidi nifungue biashara ndio nishughulikie hii emergency," she semad. Madam L added dat afta ha site angukad jamaas nyeshad on her offo reception, mpaka ikabidi aite makarao 2 force em wapange line n shika doria mpaka the last clayo is served.
Madam L toboad dat be4 tha mgomo no mothii eva kujad 2 sakanya a mboch. "Hiyo ilikuwa wax ya mawife au madem zao," she semad. "Na ubaya ya wamatha ni hao hulike mamboch who gwarad kcpe, wametoka ocha, na wasiwe masupuu." She ongezad dat jamaas hawana such macomplications bora 2 mboch anaweza cook n clean.
Lakini raondi hii jamaas wameinsist dat mbochnes sign a performance contract saying dat not only will they report 2 jamaas directly, but they will bila maswali mob perform any otha wax as and when requested by their wadosis.
Man keno, who was tegeaing 2 kwachu a mboch after his mama smsed him dat she was pigaing g10 support, denied any suspicious plot in jamaas' sudden involvement in choraing mamboch job. "Hiyo ni porojo, pumbavu wewe. Hii ni njia yetu ya kuappreciate our hardworking mamas who also hustle daily wakitafuta unga and fika cagerni kaa wamehema. Pia tunaprove ya kwamba jamaas wanaweza share da burden ya kumanage cager," he xplained.
Madam L semad the only tatizo in da recruitment process was dat some jamaas wanted 2 kwachu 2 mbochnes. "Zee, supply raondi hii hairuhusu. Hatuwezi kuwa na uhaba wa mei, ngata, na pia mamboch. Nimeamua ratio itakuwa 1:1 ndio kila charlie asihate mboch," she confirmed.
Meanwhile, bachelors ambao walifaa kumarikwa this weekend cancelled those mipangoz wakigwaya kunyimwa vitu during honeymoon. Almost Married, who confessed him n his chick had 'chilled' hadi weddo nite, tetad, "Chief, ebu imagine umekatia manzi, muende out kiasi, aitikie kukumarry, upeleke mahari kwao, ukanje ganji za weddo na kadhalika alafu 1st nite kama hazee na wife akunyime vitu juu ya g10. Si utaitana."

Zooma 2 chuja diss word 'makwerekwere'

Prezzo zooma has semad he will chuja the matusi word 'makwerekwere' from da brains n tongues of sa miros.
Bongaing jana nite at state hse joburg where he threw an african nite bash 4 miros studying n joboing in sa, legally or illegally; he kwanza apologised 4 last year's hater sessions that mulikad only cross-border born nyauthis. "Wadhii, eazy jo, eazy. On behalf of hao ma haters who chomad yo cagers, looted yo bizna n killed their fellow miros coz they're not named thabo or thandi, i apologise," he semad.
Zooma aka msholozee aka umshini wami, who had ng'arad a leopard skin kinyasa and an ak-47 slung over his mgongo, fuatad by toboaing he was once in exile in zambia after he got 411 dat makaburu lusted 2 make his ass rest in peace during em days of ubaguzi wa rangi. "Hakuna hata siku moja nilitusiwa makwerekwere, hakuna! In fact wazambia walinishow love 2 sana kwanza after niwashow shaka zulu was a rela of mine," he revealed. It was while he was lounging in exile dat zooma juad how 2 dara n fire an umshini wami (zulu 4 machine gun), and both have been mabeste eva since mpaka msholozee grabbed the mic and chomoad da track 'lethu umshini wami' (bring me ma machine gun).
He paused kiasi n sipped some mnazi from a gourd next to him, and endelead by saying he wud tumia his umshini wami 2 pop any sa nyauthi who calls a fellow miro 'makwerekwere.' 2 prove that hacheki na watu zooma grabbed the ak from his mgongo and contributed 2 global warming by shooting in the ozone layer, making wadhii 2 lie sakafuni chap chap. "Hahaaaaa, msistuke mabeste, msistuke hahaaa," he reassured dem. "Lakini raondi hii ilibidi niwashow dat actions hubonga louder than maneno matupu."
Msholozee semad dat a hotline n website wud be set up asap where foreign born miros wud report any 'makwerekwere' incidents. "Kama siko karibu musijali. Si mnamesea ndakuwa busy kinyama juu sasa mimi ni orezoe. Lakini ndatuma bouncer moja au wawili faster na umshini wami ndio washow hao mahater vile si hufanya watiaji kama hao," he semad.
He added dat instead of first visiting europe and stato, raondi hii he will flip tha script n tembelea african countries instead. "Kwa mfano nataka kuvisit naijo nijionee vile hao huweza kuchomoa ma movie kibao kila wiki, na kenya nicheki vile ma marathon runners hufanya tizi, na kadhalika."
Coz he had hemad sana after 3 months of campaigning, kesi kortini, kumarry wife no 5, etc, zooma tossed his speech in the air, and ordered dj thabo thandi 2 anzisha da heng by spinning some mogithi tracks.

Tinga, mps, diss Jamaican PM 4 his salo moves

Tinga has dissed Bruce G, da Jamaican waziri mkuu, 4 being a forko jembe 4 not only cutting his salo by 15%, but pia 4 kataaing a 7% salo increment dat was 2 check in on April Fools' Day.
Bruce g told wadhii of his uamuzi during a beachside dub hanye over Easter, where he stopped by 2 katika kiasi. "Ni aji mabeste, jo si hii bash inabamba 2 sana mpaka sijiskii kurudi state house. Nway skizeni dakika moja, skizeni jo. Raondi hii ni kunoma nchini juu economy iko hali mahututi. So nimeamua hakuna haja nijienjoy na huku nyinyi mnatuna njaa," he ambiad them. "Kwahivyo kutoka jana nimefyeka 15% off salo yangu na pia ile increment ya 7% nilifaa nikwachu tarehe mosi pia siitaki, mnasikia? siitaki," he emphasised, as mafans wikad, "Airay, airay bruce g wewe ni wetu, wewe ni wetuuuuu!"
Bruce g's annual salo be 4 his beachfront declaration was kedo ksh4.9 metres.
But tinga, hollaing at wanachungwa as he sambazad organic juo 2 them at chungwa hse over easter, wasted bruce g 4 throwing wood. "Noooow, nini mbaya na huyu mbuyu? Ni sampuli gani of a prime minister is this ambaye anakataa chapaa? Ana akili timamu kweli?" he axed.
Tinga reminded mafans dat he's been operating like an intern since gova ya mseto landed in feb '08, n he's negoing seriously 4 a salo ya nguvu kaa ya Ubako. "Shindwe, sasa this jamaa atamake life yangu as waziri mkuu even harder coz PNU wanaweza nishow i kubali the same salo as bruce g's ambayo haiwezekani. Mnasikia? haiwezekani. Kwani bruce anaishi wapi hajasikia ile ngoma ya Nameless 'salary O'?" he axed, as mafans shouted "Mu email mp3! mu email mp3!"
Tinga threatened 2 swim 2 jamaica and dare bruce g 2 exchange places with him. "Kama hataki munde he can come 2 Nai & chukua my posi n become an intern, and i take his and bamba a salo too. Na bado, na bado, i will regain weight coz there will be no mo pnu 2 ha...? 2 handa my ass," he ongezad.
Hata Kenya's waheshimiwas have zushad 4 bruce g for asking jamaican mps kiroho safi 2 fuata his lead and take a 10% salo cut. Bongaing nje ya their gym at Wabunge Towers after a thorough workout, the wabunges who had chapiliad t-shirts saying, "Ni mafala tu hukanja taxes," chujad bruce g 4 being a hater. "Kwani huyu charlie amevuta nini mpaka anashow ma mps wa hiyo mtaa wakwachu salo less?" ulizad Tumbo Saw, the caucus' mc who was chosen coz he doesn't bang tables hata akijam. "Kwani huyu mtiaji hajui works ya ubunge ni sugu jo juu kila mudhii hudhani we r walking ATMs. In fact ma mps dunia nzima wanafaa waongezewe doe."
Tumbo threatened 2 disrupt bunge n bring a private member's motion of no confidence in bruce g. "Hata kama ako majuu, ni lazima tumshow tuko imara, tuko radar, na tuna feel ma mps wenzetu hiyo nchi ya Sean Paul na akiendelea na huwo upumbavu, tutapeleka case Hague."

KU now a utalii site

KU has been chaguliwad as kenya's 1st campo-2-tourist site after miaka kaa 40 of admitting vijanas who didn't jua that mawes were multi-purpose things when they were in seco, then dumping them 2 a jobo marko that ambias them, "Pole kijana, hauna experience."
Flat Heels, the chick at the wizara ya utalii in charge of sakanyaing new bizna n extra mbinu of gongaing local n foreign wataliis, semad KU will make a timam utalii site coz riots za hivi majuzi wachad the joint looking more of a movie set and less of a chuo where ma professors show off their backs. "Modhii, huskii when i saw KU on news nilidhani ni storo on how kenya is fast becoming a mzuri location 4 shooting movies. Kumbe it was after jamaas zushad mbaya mbof," she said.
Heels couldn't amini what she onad and sacrificed her aerobics class at the gym the next asubuhi 2 fika KU and confirm, escorted by a karao just in case some jamaas didn't go diggs after they were fukuzwad. "Ngaaatho. Yaani when i fikad the sight was unbelievable. Mawe kila mahali, broken madirisha, njumu, risasi, mikebe za tear gas, etc. I took fotos with my fone and mmsed them 2 my mdosi. He was jazzed with my idea papo hapo."
Heels semad gova had spent ganji mob 2 sondeka damage wadhii caused since rioting became a kawa xtra curricular activity in campo zote za umma, but now coz Tinga's and Ubako's gova imesota, hasara tupu centres kaa campo were being chujwad. "Ebu niambie, haja gani gova ispend doe mob kurepair madirisha, kubuy gates mpya, kuboti bullets, teargas na ngata 4 karao trucks when campos can become profit centres?" she ulizad.
KU will target both watalii from majuu and particularly locals who want a place 2 lounge and ngojea jam ya thika rd 2 kwisha, especially ile ya Monday mornings. Karao will be on site perma and required 2 pause as if they're about to shoot someone who is aiming a jiwe at them. Lakini their guns will be toy guns 2 prevent the inevitable release of stray bullets.
Heels kubalid wadhii wamesota raondi hii dunia nzima, but anajikaza kisabuni. "Modhii, ebu nishow nchi gani ingine which has converted a campo 2 a tourism site. Niko na hope tukipost mbisha za KU na hawa makarao wameuma pause ya kushoot online as the main attractions, watalii watabambi...? watabambika," she swore.
Heels ongezad kuna mipango ya kujenga monuments dedicated 2 jamaas who have thrown the most stones, and vice kanjoras who have witnessed the most riots while in offo.
Lakini she gomad 2 toboa how much she expects the site 2 make in its first year of bizna, only that "It shud ingiza enuff ganji ndio mdosi wangu approves that car loan application i chorad on Valentine's day last year."

Madagascar prezzy 2 DJ in Othumo

DJ Raj wa Madagascar will chukua presidential social responsibility (psr) leave over Easter to fika Othumo and roga wadhii with his continental hit, from kanjora 2 orezo.
Tho DJ Raj ameanza tu majuzi kujienjoy na ma bouncers from jeshi, pre-inspected madondo, ndai bulletproof, kuitwa 'your excellency' and 24-hr uinterrupted woday, elec na net supply, hangeweza kuwaste chance ya kuonyesha nyauthi wote dat ako na skillz that pay bills and a softer side.
MC Chungwa, a Kisoom city based promoter and a distant rela 2 both Obash and Tinga, semad DJ Raj chaguad KSM coz of what cut there after Dec '07. "Cheki, cheki, nani world wote hakumbuki that Keysoom ndio noma ilizuka kwanza baada ya rela wangu Tinga kugongwa na ECK?" He ulizad. "Na ingawa Tinga hakufanywa prezzy kama DJ Raj after tuzushe deadly, DJ Raj anafeel uchungu wetu na ndio ameamu...? ameamua kudo show yake hii mtaa," he added.
DJ Raj will dandia a meli kesho from MG and fika Coasto kaa Thursday hivi, alafu afly 2 Othumo. "My guy huskii DJ Raj ako na joto ya kuperform dala mpaka hatakuwa na time ya kuvisit Fort Jesus au kukunywa mnazi," MC Chungwa confirmed. DJ Raj will use his time melini 2 piga tizi and jaribu various remixes of from kanjora 2 orezo in mugithi, benga, genge, and otha versions.
Inaonekana DJ Raj hatishiwi na the shipjackers causing mayhem near Coasto. "Kama DJ Raj anaweza chuja prezo mzima who was pia mdosi wa military, makauzi watado?" MC Chungwa ulizad. But he toboad that the DJ atasindikizwa na makarao 'just in case hao mafala watajaribu kusanya vifaa vya d-jaying kama CDs na maheadphones.'
Lakini DJ Raj won't perform elsewhere juu ni muhadhara kuwacha nchi bila orezo 4 mo than a week, especially kaa ex-orezo bado ako hai na ni adui. "Dj Raj atado show yake Friday usiku alafu ajikate home Sato ngware juu si hata wewe unaelewa huwezi wacha cager ya nguvu kaa state hse bila mwenyewe. Huku ni Africa, kizee," the MC malizad.

UG's ngata and Migingo islands: Kenya itaweza kweli?

UG's pataing of ngata and its beef with Kenya over who shud download the migingo islands browser has wachad country code 254 wazaing 'tutado?'
1 mpango being chorwad is 2 tuma a delegation ya power by boat from ziwa victoria to KPL 2 nego with M-7 kabla UG jengas a border offo on migingo and demands wakenya 2 apply for a visa in Nai.
Dip Immunity, a lounger at the mystery of foreign affairs and an ex-makerere studi whose thesis was 'joseph kony and the rebel angle in climate change,' confrmed by IM the existence of that mchoro. "Tunataka kubonga na M-7 tumshow our 2 countries have been mabeste tangu reli ijengwe enzi za maneaters of Tsavo," Dip semad. "Huskii si poa UG iwe na all thaaaat ngata halafu itunyime."
Dip alisay the migingo domay will be the appetiser during the mazungumzo, halafu the ngata buffet will be served. "Just like kukuta vitu where u just don't go fuaaa, hatutaki kuonekana nia yetu ni ngata from the first second. Kumbuka tuna sifa mbaya regionally as a man eat man society."
Dip bongad that Kenya might let UG keep migingo as long as it kwachus a timam share of UG's ngata "that will fanya shortages and queues at our petis potea 4 ever." As gova ya mseto waits for M-7 to bonga after it sent him a sufuria of Kenyan-cooked matoke by the same chopper that backfired on Ubako last week, otha bongo la biashara moves are being pangwad at one river rori club daily at 3am.
Kwanza is 2 convince vyombo vya habari to patia brito n stato ambassadors blackout and let balozi wa UG 2 bonga on kila kitu from shipjackers to the Hague to nyaga stockbrokers. "Bana, these mabalozis from brito n stato have been sounding like broken records tangu 1963. Ni wakati wa regional talent to take over," she semad.
Pili is 2 a weka a ka-note chini ya tender ads that semas 'UG contractors are especially encouraged 2 bid 4 this jobo.'
Lakini Dip couldn't swing us mo 411 as her mdosi's PC is da only one with net connection and she had been busted. "Usijali, dongera ni beste. Whacha niende tao window shopping 4 a godfather and bakora 4 M-7. Nitatoboa more morrow coz mdosi atakuwa at an islands and conflict resolution workshop. Cheers."

chekakiasi.blogspot.com intro

ni aji wadhii! shukran for visiting chekakiasi.blogspot.com. this site is bila mission nor vision statements. its aim is 2 jaribu 2 make u cheka kiasi coz most of the ish that cuts ulimwenguni in general n Kenya in particular makes our maisha stressful.
the writing style is a kachumbari of english/slang/sheng.
why 2nd best source of fiction after election campaign promises? well, wanasiasa will promise us anything ndio we send them 2 bunge, and thanks 2 the 'multiple' sources of ganji they have, n their access 2 media exposure, sisi at chekakiasi can't compete with them in chomoaing fiction. There4 we have 2 settle 4 no 2 in unleashing fake news.
Coz i'm chopping full time i can't update the blog daily, but i pledge to post a storo at least once a week.
Pls drop your thots in the 'comments' part of the blog au email chekakiasi@gmail.com. cheers.
wamoronjia

Gova lets bachelors uza bond

Bachelors who had sarayed storo of marriage coz of msoto now have a chance to badilisha their marital statuses on their CVs after gova angukiad for their marriage bond mpango on Friday.
A jazzed Sinyear Barchela, mdosi of the pressure group bachelors bila doe (bbd), could not chill after he got the mzuri 411 from the wizara ya ganji which had flashed him and he had 2 buzz them. "Manze on behalf of mabachelor wote and on my own behalf, natoa shukran 2 gova 4 realising that the infrastructure bond njaro that bambad mainvestor sana majuzi can also be cloned to sekta zingine za uchumi kama ndoa," said Sinyear, aged 392/3.
Bbd was anzishwad kedo 3 yrs ago 2 tetea haki za mabachelor msoto who are always being chujwad by haters such as folks, wadosis, relas, mabeste, etc who don't amini that a jamaa needs mukwanja ndio afanye ndoa."Huskii hii bond itatuma mahaters wote 2 elewa that our members all along takad to oa, but msoto forced them to kill that vibe and instead lead maisha ya commitment phobia, kuwasha kila weekend na kubeba ma takeaway," he ongezad.
Bbd is 1 ngo that doesn't dowea donor chumes. Its wanachama pay on time, its t-shirts kama 'najivunia kuwa bachelor' always sell out in gikosh and its annual bachelors pride parade walks from tao to kamukunji attract mafans wengi including karao.
According to the min. of chapaa website chini ya the 'breaking news' icon, "the tuwezeshe mabachelor wamarry bond will assist wallet challenged jamaas in relationships penya the 'i want a commitment' stage coz our utafiti shows this is the corner most relationships sambaratika."
The bond lands on Apr 1 and its lengo is to kwachu kitu 20.3m to be shared katikati ya bbd's 222 members. Mo 411 and application forms are available at all bars that show premier league, vinyozi stima, stag party venues and www.bbd.org.ke
As to the terms and conditions that apply in marriage such as buzzing wifey when joboing late, Sinyear semad, "bbd haina beef with that reality coz sisi wote tunataka kusettle down na kuitwa baba so and so kabla 2030."