Bernie Madoff emails application 2 Ubako afta parliament chujas Ringera's reappointment

Stato ime-email application ya mgongaji sugu Bernie Madoff 2 Ubako as a potential mdosi wa KACC afta ma-mps wachuje reappoinment ya Ringera on Wednesday. "Kizee, kama beste yenu wa kufa na kupona, tuko concerned sana hamna mkenya mnaweza amini awe mdosi wa kacc," sez Macho Red, bernie's watchie. "Kwanza afta Transparency International ibonge nyinyi ndio most corrupt Afrika mashariki."
Ringera amekuwa dongera wa kacc since '04 na despite kuget 2.5m shs kila mwezi as mshande, ameblame AG 4 lack of progress in nabbing wagongaji sugu.
Bernie alioperate pyramid scheme ya nguvu since the 90s that swung wadhii returns za 10-15% kila mwaka, lakini by the time he was busted in Dec '08, alikuwa amewagonga kitu ksh4 trillion. In June alikwachu 150yrs kwa cell. "As u can c, huyu mbuyu bernie ako na skillz na xperience noma in gongaing wadhii big time n as tha msemo goes, it takes a mgongaji 2 nab a mgongaji," macho sez.
Macho alichorwa kaa special bodyguard wa bernie juu sifa zake zinamfanya an easy target 4 makauzis. "Mimi huenda na yeye kila place hata kwa bafu, na pia lazima nitaste dishi yake in advance."
Stato iko so sure bernie ataget hiyo pozi mpaka ameanza daro on kenya ndio akiitiwa online interview by state hse, atakuwa fomu. "Jana aliletewa map ya africa na TV na akashoiwa by monday awe anaweza not only kutambua kenya blindfolded, but aweze kutamka words like 'sasa', 'beste' na 'sicheki na watu' thru watching kbc," macho sez. He adds dat kuna mpishi mkenya amechorwa part time kupikia bernie dish kama sembe, madondo na mihogo. "Ata make impression poa wakati wa online interview kaa atamanga madondo instead of maburger na manjiva."
Kwa application yake bernie swears he won't kwachu salo as part of community service, will prevent the next goldenberg n anglo leasing kashfas, with a special emphasis on busting pyramid schemes. "Bernie amejazika sana pyramid schemes zenu ziko nyuma juu zinatumia njaro kaa sending wadhii sms' like, 'U have won 1 million shs in tha Mwezi iko Corner Mbaya competition. Send airtime ya saw moja 2 claim your prize!' ", macho sez.
Stato iko tayari kuwachilia bernie on compassionate grounds akiget hiyo wax kama 2 vile scotland majuzi released Ali al-megrahi juu ako na cancer noma ya prostate. Ali alifungwa 4 life in '01 4 blowing up a ndege in '88. "Tunafeel itakuwa vizi bernie achizike kwa cell for miaka 150 wen anaweza whacha legacy poa by donating talanta yake saree kusaidia a third-world african country fight ugongaji," macho malizas.

TZ playa forces NBA team ijifunze swa bongo edition

NBA imeshow maplayaz wote wa Memphis Grizzlies wafike crash course in bongo swa afta hiyo team swung jobo 2 TZ's Hasheem Manka. "Kwanza, congrakiratu 2 hasheem kwa kukwachu wax kuwa center kwa hii team. Ni deal ya nguvu kizee and it proves stato is the land of opportunity and not China," sez Three Pointer, NBA's relationship manager in charge of foreign playaz. "Pili, hizi daro za swa zitawezesha hasheem na wenzake waelewane kwa court juu rules za league say mamono lazima wachezee team moja for 3 yrs."
He sez daro will simulate situation real. "Tuseme hasheem kaa centre aget ball karibu na rim ya team ingine, haitakuwa poa wasay kumshow, 'Dunk the ball, fool.' " Instead, itabidi waseme, "Kaka, tunaomba utumbukize mpira ndani ya kapu hadi itetemeke, kumaa maye!"
When hasheem playz well, his team won't holla, "U on fire dawg! That's whut we talkin bout. Word 2 motha." Instead, watasema, "Mshikaji, shukrani za dhati kwa kujitolea kinaga ubaga na kutuwezesha tushinde mchezo wa leo uliokuwa mgumu kishenzi."
But wen he plays mbof n his team loses a game, wadhii won't diss him by saying, "Nigga, u fucked up big time 2 day. What's up with dat nigga? U best raise yo game or yo ass is on the next flight back 2 Africa. U heard?" Baada yake, watasay, "Mwanangu, mbona uvivu leo? Changamka kaka, changamka."
Afta a game the crew won't ask him, "What's poppin gee? R u down with hittin tha spot n checkin out tha honeyz? Sip some henny n mack the cutes. U know what am sayin." Instead, deal itakuwa, "Mshikaji vipi. Tunajivinjali wapi baada ya mechi?"
Three pointer adds dat bongo flavour will be used 2 supplement the daros n with tha new season startin end of oct, he hopes by then da grizzlies watakuwa wamenyita swa ya bongo. "And who knows, hasheem, allen iverson n swa will b tha triple threat hiyo team needs 2 fika the playoffs next year," he sez.

Kahawa umas bench in UG as team mawatchie enters uanjo

UG imeamua kuchuja kahawa as its main magnet ya madollaray n replace it wit xportin mawatchie.

Hii ni afta 411 toboad dat stato imechora waganda kaa 12k as mawatchie in iraq since '05. "Tumebambika sana na hii risto juu inatushow hii sekta ndio itamurda usotaji among mavijanaa," sez waragi migingo, minister wa watchie affairs 'n cultural heritage. "Wasay hushiba kahawa na ndizi, but nani ushasikia ameshiba security?"

Migingo sez ministry yake iko na planz ajabu za kupiga jeki tha watchie industry. "Kutoka monday seco zitabegin teachin watchman studies kutoka form 1-4, na itakuwa compulsory in U.C.S.E. eggzam," he xplains. Migingo semas dat maseco pia itabidi ziwe na career talks kila wiki conducted by prominent watchies ambao wameshine in iraq, alafu mahedi wapost hizo talks online as proof.

Roadshows za kupromote UG watchies in africa zitafanyika. "In tha spirit of EA cooperation tutaanza na somalia alafu kenya kule tunaweza leta amani kwa border ya turkana na pokot districts," he sez. "Baadae, tutafika places kaa darfur na niger delta." In fact, pimping UG watchies majuu itakuwa part of performance contracts 4 ma-ambassadors.

Famos dat chomoa watchies 4 export hazitachota income tax, vat na medical bills kwa hosi za gova. "That's the least we can do kuappreciate vile wamejitolea kuensure UG achieves MDGs," migingo points out.

Waganda wishing 2 become watchies cha mbele shud apply online thru www.watchieaffairs.go.ug or sms "teacher, teacher, nataka kuwa watchie majuu" to 256 na ministry itawabuzz.