Kenyanz pausing majuu advised of how 2 avoid Gates' karao experience

Afta a nyauthi professor wa nguvu was kamatuad by stato makarao 4 pitaing with his own mlango ya cager yake, ubako n tinga's gova has chomoad a 'Usido' survival guide online 4 wakenya already there na pia wale flying out leo. "Sema. Afta kisanga ya henry gates kubambua na makarao kwa cager yake even afta awashow I.D. yake, imebidi tuonye wakenya in advance," sez tukae masaa of tha wakenya walioko majuu (wwm) dept of the min. of foreign affairs.
Gates alipita na mlango ya cager yake baada ijam kufunguka, lakini neighbour mngoso alishtua makarao ati kuna makauzi in dat diggs.
Masaa warns kenyans living majuu, n particularly in stato, not 2 photocopy gates' njaro shud their doors jam kufunguka. "Sakanya neighbour mngoso acome apite na huo mlango, lakini kwanza mshow I.D. yako na title deed kaa uko nayo," he xplains. He adds if yo jiranis diss u, then buzz makarao.
2nd, if yo mots battery chips mangware, tafadhali usijaribu 2 stua it. "Ningeku advise uende works na mathree, alafu lunch time ucome na breakdown preferably ya mngoso," masaa cautions.
Tatu, tuseme mboch wako apate bottee call alafu asahau kuanua mng'aro, don't jaribu kuzianua usiku afta wax. "Unless kunarain, time hadi morning," masaa sez.
Nne, kaa unacharge fone yako at jobo, usidhubutu kuidisconnect fuaaa afta battery ishone. "Ita ma colleague wawili-watatu wangoso alafu ushow mmoja abuzz namba yako 2 prove fone ni yako," masaa sez. He adds dat yo chances of being believed r hi kama ringtone yako inajivunia kuwa ya kikenya.

Ghana continues 2 angukia mazuri afta Obama visit

Wiki mbe tu after obama avisit ghana, stato bado inaendelea kukatia dat country. Fao, stato imechuja visa requirement 4 maghanaians. "Hali. Yenyewe since maslaves kitambooooo walipitia ghana kabla wafike stato na hawakuneed mavisa, mbona raondi hii tuinsist wawe na visa wakiland?" sez mob cocoa, of tha new offo dept of ghanaian affairs kule white hse.
Cocoa, who reports directly 2 obama, adds dat stato's balozi in ghana hatazusha wen hiyo gova tupas mbao matime zake. "Tuseme mahawker wa accra walete noma tao wakihandwa na kanjo alafu makarao wafyatue risasi, ambassador wetu won't organise a press conference kudemand ghanaian gova iresepect human rites," he xplains. "Instead atabonga thru 'diplomatic channels' juu anarecognise ghana ni sovereign state."
Alafu shud ugonjwa muhadhara kaa swine flu chomoka frm ghana in future, cocoa promises dat stato won't respond with a travel advisory. "In fact tutachochea wasay wa stato wavisit ghana kwa wingi ndio wapige jeki sekta ya utalii," he confirms.
Stato inapanga kutetea ghana ijoin un security kanjo na G8. "Si unamesea africa iko missing in these places," cocoa sez. "So tunafeel ghana ni tha best nchi kuwaklilisha so we will ng'ang'ana iwe member be 4 2030."
Kumalizia, stato haitaruhusu reports that may embarrass ghana kama zile za transparency international go unchallenged. "Tutamaintain hizi story ni biased, alarmist, sensational and aimed at undermining investor confidence in ghana," cocoa fumes. "Kwahivyo, tutashow international community wazilenge."

Kuna gud side 2 Nai woday rationing

Nai pips no doubt wamekatsika sana na this scandal ya woday rationin', lakini mbuyu mmoja thinks kuna hidden opportunities ndani ya hii noma. "Bebaing a 20-litre mtungi kutoka kwa gate hadi bafu ya cager yako ni tizi muafaka 4 mwili yako yote, kwanza ma biceps," claims Glasi Kaquarter, a chlorine, soray, chalk supplier 2 kanjo who now hana bizna. Kaquarter ongezas dat Nai pips tumekuwa walazy kinyama. "Hauniamini nini. Cheki, tunakwachu lift hata kama tunashoot 1st flr! Hii tizi itatufanya tuwe active mdogo angalau tuishi miaka mob."
Kaquarter sez hii rationin' ni gap deadly ya bizna for mayouth. "Maboys na madem wale watado bizna ya kundonyo maji will saidia gova 2 create 500k jobos kila mwaka, na pia watapunguza usotaji na ukauzi."
Kaquarter, amabaye anapanga kuwa kanjora soon, has axed Nai chix 2 lower their standards kiasi wen sororaing a msay on their 1st date. "Ukweli, macharlie wengi hii time hawataweza kupiga passport shower daily, whacha hata full shower. So itabidi wamix roll on na jasho," he confesses. He ombas mashorays wasichuje jamaas ambao watatupa kiasi. "Surely, there's mo 2 a msay than usafi au sio."
Kuna vile Nai pips hawalike kuswim unless wen they r in coasto, na hii rationing ni chance yetu ya kulearn s'thin brandy. "Not only will we jifunza kuswim n' ongeza hii skill kwa CV, but simultaneously tutasafisha mwili kaa tunaogelea," he xplains.
Lakini Kaquarter sez 2 fuly faidika wasay tafadhali wasinyore ndani ya pool.

Kenyanz omboleza MJ's chipping

Wakenya wamejoin wasay wengine worldwide kuomboleza MJ's sudden chippin' on june 25. "Uko fresh lakini. Huskiii tulistuka mbaya mbof kusikia Maiko ameukata," sez Macho Wazi, the watchie who checkis woday levels at Masinga dam. "Afta tutinge hii dam juu maji imekuwa less, tulikuwa tunapanga kucontract MJ ah moonwalk hadi moon ahresearch kama atawai maji hiyo mtaa."
Mungiks pia wanalia kinyama. "Sisi kwanza tumepigwa dummy ya mwaka," tetas Pande Zote, mdosi wa new biz development. "Tulipoget 411 ati Mj anapanga comeback concerts kaa finje in Brito, chap chap tukasmell deal." Pande Zote xplains dat they showed Jacko's agent dat itabidi ahsign contract agreeing 2 chotea Mungiks kaa 10% ya doe zake frm kila show. "Hata visa application ya lawyer wetu iko Brito embassy tayari," she reveals.
Chix who tumia skin lightening creams r also feeling uchungu. Ngozi Lite, chairlady n founder of tha Kenya Guild of Dedicated Cream Consumers (KGDCC), sez sir kifo's timing imewabore. "Hii ni balaa. Tulikuwa tumeorganise conference bigi inaitwa 'I feel nothing' juu mahaterz wengi diss us 4 using em creams," she zushas. "Ilikuwa imebaki kidogo 2 MJ ahconfirm atakuwa main speaker alafu akadie, damn."
Finally, MJ's death has left a quoro of mathays who had planned a joint b-day bash hanging. "Katika harakati za kucut costs, wamatha wote hood yetu whose sons share birthdays amuad kuwapeleka out nxt weekend wajibonde na face painting na bouncing castles," sez Mama Jimmy. "Mal8ers, we were 2 surprise em by unleashing MJ awasomee bedtime stories."

Kenya n zim on each otha's case kuhusu iran's supuu tender

Iran imeshortlist kenya n zim in tha final rao of a tender 2 provide consultancy services kuhusu formin n runnin a grand coalition gova.
Prezzo ahmadinejad's recent reelection 4 a 2nd stay at state hse was kataliwad by mousavi, fuatwad by noma in teheran. "Afta annan suggested dat ahmadinejad abaki prezzo na mousavi awe prime minister, alitushow tusakanye skills kutoka nchi zingine with xperience kwa sector ya coalition gova," sez ali bin ali, a broker promising both countires dat watashinda hiyo tender.
Lakini kenya n zim wanazushiana 'bout ukora tactics 2 kwachu an unfair advantage. "Tunasikia kutoka sources za nguvu ya kwamba kenya imegay iran kahawa, tiabe na maua za saray," complains mucheburere muchaburara frm tha zim compe.
But kenya's mwangi opiyo, chaguliwad by consensus at a pnu/odm retreat at mau forest 2 be tha tender delegation mdosi, sez zee. "Whachana na hao mahaters kutoka zim, hawamesei kile wanabonga. Iko shida gani tukicome na kahawa na tiabe ya kenya kwa boardroom meeting na client?" Mwangi opiyo ongezas dat tha roses' harufu act as air fresheners ''coz saa zingine by mistake msay anaweza shu... shuuta."
He sez it's zim chezaing game haramu. "Mbona wanateta na tunasikia wameshow iran wataget kiraiko na labour za saray wakinab hiyo deal?" Zim is a serious tobacco n labour xporter yaani.
But mucheburere kataas dat shtaka. " Shindwe! makosa iko wapi tukirelax na client na kiraiko after meeting stressful mbele barley haikubaliwi huku?" He confirms no xcess labour frm zim is available juu wadhii kaa wote wako S.A.
Ali bin ali semas iran will amua mshindi either be4 kenya sets up tribunal au annan pelekas bahasha ya masuspects hague, whicheva cuts earlier. The winner kwachus free ngata hadi iran's next elections, with an option of nuclear power ''skills transfer'' at 50% discount.

Brito pelekas kenya 2 court afta mau mau zaks tupa da first punch

Brito imeamua kucounter sue kenya afta mau mau vets pelekad case kortini in brito on tue demanding munde 4 stress they pitiad in concentration camps during emergency period ya 1952-60.
Joseph johnson, a retired mzae who used 2 shona homeguards' uniforms during dayz of ukoloni, ako nai as brito's star witness. He sez brito iko na reasons kadhaa why kesi yao ni sugu.
"Is vipi. I say, tulileta kingoso kenya kwa meli alafu tuka waachia roho safi bila kuwalipisha," he xplains. "Lakini afta 63 mukaichafua kabisa: ati sasa ni nailobi badala ya nairobi, fees badala ya fish, sbrint badala ya sprint, daaamn!" He ongezas dat sheng imemake ish worse. "Tafadhali, tuheshimiane boss. Usitaje hiyo jina mbele yangu."
Mbuyu jose sez dish ni reason 2. "Cheki, english breakfast inabamba kinyama. but zee, sasa not only did u chuja it, but hata b-fast raondi hii hamumangi kwa cager," he caused. "Eti munalike chai ya offo ikisindikizwa na ndao, chapo au samo." Jose adds mabeste linking up afta wax 4 kahawa au barley instead of hi tea pia haimjazz.
Tatu ni dress code. "Wakati tulikuwa tunarun show hii mtaa macharlie wote walikuwa wanadunga kinyasa na kunyolewa kijeshi," mbuyu jose kumbukas. "Lakini sasa macharlie including makarao wanachapilia long'i na lo, pia wanasuka nywele! scandal charlie yangu, scandal." He adds dat jamaaz saggin jeanoz in tao wana muudhi ni aji. "At first nili jijazia wasay waliboti jeano oversize kimakosa alafu mashop zikadinda kuxchange. Afta kuuliza uliza nikashoiwa kwani naishi wapi."
Mbuyu jose sez 4 now those 3 mashtakas will form brito's case - but ongezas brito is willin 2 drop 'em if the mau mau vets kill their kesi. "Beste, mbona mnatafuta beef na sisi yet brito huboti valentine's day roses mob kutoka kenya kila mwaka?"

Teeniez sasa demandin 4 1800cc ndais

Folks wameteta dat minister soita's maoni dat hawezi fika a funky in a small ride coz it's 4 teeniez is 2 blame 4 their kidoz turnin 18 sasa demandin motis.
Wen he chopped gova's budget majuzi, uhuru downgraded ministas from shindes, prados, rangeez, etc to 1800cc motis 2 save munde gova spends on ngata n kirinyaga rd spares.
Afta soita's kichwa ngumu diss, peros whose tois r gongaing 18 wanakiona. "Pato aliturn 18 on june 18," semas baba pato. "Hiyo asubuhi ngware pato alinishow mbisha za ndai za 1800cc zile alikuwa amedownload kwa fone yake ndio a book test drive." Baba pato stukad, thinkin dat pato had angukiad ganji za power kutoka those emails dat promise jamaas mamilioni in commission if u swing em yo a/c no ndio wadeposit their inheritance from a dead sonko who was a distant rela.
"Wapi, pato alinikumbusha ati ni birthday yake na since huyu mbuyu anaitwa shitash alibonga 1800cc ndais r for teeniez, kuna vile naweza organise moja?" Baba pato xplains dat pato has been smsin him like kila dakika, includin emailing him links 2 all websites of dealers from ngong rd 2 park rd 2 thika rd dat specialise in 1800cc rides. "Boss, what's this? Huyu mjnr amenoki nini? Si juzi juzi birthday ilikuwa cake, babito, watoi kucheza hide n seek alafu jioni washoot home," he kumbukas.
He sez wen he gongad 18 his mafolks walimpeleka 2 tha chief where he kwachud an I.D. "Alafu wakanipiga msomo ati sasa niwache tabia za kitoto kama kucheza na ball ya juala, othawise sitapata wife."
Baba pato ameamua kulenga pato's calls n jobo OT, even tho works don't chota 4 OT siku hizi.
But mama pato, who is also being handwad by pato n is avoiding him by attendin mo chama meetings, baby showers n keshas, amechomoa idea ingine.
"Nitamobilise mapero wote ambao watoi wao wamegonga 18 n r demandin 1800cc motis as birthday gifts. Halafu tutademonstrate nje ya nani huyo, eh, soita's offo demandin aseme he was misquoted or s'thin," declares mama pato. "Labda alimaanisha the cars r 4 ministas' tois who r turning 18, au kitu kama hiyo."