Chongoaing Semenya, uhaba wa unga ya sembe, make Zuma lenga kuland JKIA

Breaking news fikiaing chekakiasi sez dat Zuma aka Msholozi aka Umshini Wami alikuwa na kila nia ya kuvisit Nai afta malizanaing with UG on Mar 26, lakini some ish unearthed by an advance team fanyad hiyo deal igonge ukuta.
Zuma aliland UG on Mar 25 kupimp SA to UG now that UG imekuwa nchi sonko afta iget mitungi billioni kadhaa za ngata majuzi. "Ndege ilikuwa imeload cargo ya waragi na matoke na orezo ashadunga seat belt when SMS ya dharura ililand semaing ati Nai munaita phone zile unaweza sunda sim card mbe 'Semenya', " tetas Tshabalala 'Sharpeville' Xshibololo, Zuma's PA ambaye anaotea B.E.E. deal soon ndiyo akawchu early retirement.
SA's Caster Semenya, the current 800m sonko kwenye mbio za madem, alishoiwa na IAAF August'09 apitie gender tests afta game yake became juu 2 sana 4 otha mamas 2 fikia. Test results zilibonga ako na ''characteristics'' za both charlie na dem. "Tuna respect ma atheletes wenu Mzansi (SA), otherwise tungekuwa na dishi inaitwa spaghetti Ndereba," Xshibololo sez. "Tume email Ubako na tuka CC Tinga our strongest protests na tukawashow waorganise joint press conference soon ordering nyi wasay msaray kuchongoa Semenya, at least over Easter jameni."
Uhaba wa unga ya sembe afta makauzi wapite na magunia yote from depots za NCPB in '09 pia ilichangia 2 Zuma lengaing jiji. "Orezo wetu analike sembe ni aji tangu awe mjnr kule Zululand," Xshibololo flosses. "So afta asikie ati mko na sembe wembe, sembe madondo na kadhalika, alishikwa na nyege za kuonja sembe yenu. But angalia vile mulijimess." Even tho gova ya Tinga na Ubako imeruhusu mei kutoka majuu iland coast, Zuma anashuku quality. "Si hata Juacali kwa ile track yake anatoboa vile siku hizi amepunguza sima na ako juu ya wali kwa sana."
Afta a UG watchie dedishad 2 Kenyanz somaing in Makerere kaa 2 wks ago, Xshibololo, who dindad kuconfirm au kudeny kama Msholozi alipiga raondi za kusaka wife muganda, anagwaya wadhii watarevenge on Zuma badala on M7. "Tumeget fununu ati mumepanga kumwaga ndizi kutoka airport hadi Nyayo stadi," Xshibololo xplains. "Hatuwezi kubali ndai ya Umshini Wami ibreakdance kwa hizo baro zenu mbovu. Kwani hamutaki apige nduki ya kwanza ya kufungua world cup?"

Ministers losing benzes si poa 4 economy n jamii

Lobby group fulani imeonya nchi ya kwamba kutakua na results mbof afta ma ministers were downgraded from shindes n otha mandai za nguvu 2 passats. "Most of our members r experiencing post traumatic stress disorder ambayo itawazuia kuperform at their best," sez Kujeni Hapa, tha membership mdosi wa tha Kenya Association of Disenfranchised Cabinet Ministers, Assistant Ministers, PSs' and allied Gova Wadosis (KADCMAMPSAGW).
Hapa xplains members mob wamelose motisha ya wax and some r thinking of relocating to SA, where ministers wanaweza boti 2 rides whose total bei doesn't xceed 70% of their annual salos. "Beste kaa Trevor Manuel anapush biemer 750 series baana, na yake ni shadow compared 2 wenzake ambao wanasukuma shindes," Hapa tetas. "I won't name names but membaz wengine wamesend CVs 2 SA gova na wakipenya, si hata wewe unajua kile kitafuata." He adds dat brain drain might force gova ya Tinga na Ubako 2 import ministers soon, who won't kubali 2 push passats as expats.
Hapa pia ameask wasay not 2 invite ministers 2 be guest of honours in such funkys kama harambeees, pre wedding bashes, prize giving na hata in some xtreme cases, mazishi. "Hakuna member wetu ataitikia kujiaibisha by parking ndai kaa passat next to guests with mandai za nguvu, na showing yo constituents dat 'benz iko garage' can only take u so far," he xplains. Hapa sez those having funkys kwanza in Dec will have 2 jobo xtra hard to attract ministers kuwa their guests of honour. "Wakiprovide ndai ya power au chopper 2 transport memberz wetu 2 n from the event labda ndio itatoa nyoka pangoni."
Now that madere wa mathree na pia makarao wa traffic will be able 2 chokoza passats hata kama kuna bendera side ya bonnet kwa jam na 4 speeding respectively, Hapa anask gova 2 let ministers jobo from cager zao hadi kitu 11 when jam imedie, alafu they can jikata offo. "Actually, hii deal itahelp ma membaz wetu 2 heal from tha trauma juu sioni gova ikilipa 4 post traumatic counselling."

Good samaritanz congratulate Africa 4 fikaing 1b pips

Mahuman smugglers, multinationals na mapoliticians ni baadhi ya ma well-wishers ambao wamesend Africa congratulatory messages afta UN unleashed breaking news dat africa's population sasa ni 1b na upuzi, na ati itadouble by 2050.
Bahati Mbaya, an ex-kanjora who since the re-introduction of mfumo wa vyama mob in '91 ameshindwa kukomboa jeshi 2 saidia him become mp, ako na hope ya kuitwa 'mheshimiwa' afta 2017 elections. "Mapotential recruits wa jeshi ya mine hunilenga juu siwezi wakanja doe poa style ya ma-mps," he tetas. Coz of msoto b.m. campaigns kama hawker: he scatters wen his compay's majeshi tokea n zushia 4 his mafans. "Sasa juu wakidi wataongezeka bei zitashuka so hata mimi nitakuwa na squad ya mavijanaa kaa 40 wamejihami. Watch this space muzeiya."
S'one else ambaye amejazika na hii risto ni Nafasi Iko, organising sec. wa Mediterranean Sea Cargo Xporters Association, lobby group ya mahustler who specialise in forwarding wafrika 2 Italy au Spain thru that sea ndani ya tube zimeshona vimajor. "In fact next wk campu zetu zote zitachora biz plans za power alafu ziapply 4 loans za kuboti mo tubes juu sasa demand ni guaranteed," he sez. He adds that UN stats zitakuwa security. "Sioni banks zikitushow ati tuwapatie sijui title deeds au log books, mbele reports za UN ni kama bankers cheques: hazibounce."
MNO incorporated, a ki-multinational dat chimbas 4 anything under tha african soil as long as it's bling compliant, is even planning an in-hse bash. "Tulikuwa tumeshindwa tutaget wapi ma kym tukiangukia ndechu au ngata, mbele masomo ya saree imepeleka wajnr wengi daro," sez Walete ka Wote, mdosi wa talent acquisition n disposal. "Hii 411 imetupatia motisha juu inamaanisha hatutahata ma kym kwanza kenya ikiangukia gauge sides za Isiolo, juu si hata wewe unajua gova haina doe ya kujenga daro hizo zote na pia maodijo watapatikana wapi?"
NGOs zile husurvive na doe frm majuu by showing african kidoz ambao wamekuwa wasted by ubao au kamdudu pia zimehappy viajabu. "Tungetaka kucongratulate mama africa 4 fikaing tha 1b pips milestone. Kiasi tulikuwa tumehaha ganji zitakauka coz madonors wamechoka kuona mbisha ya mkidi mmoja 4 like 5 yrs str8," xplains Say Cheese, chief photographer wa NGO Njaa Africa Nzima. "Sasa at least hii population xplosion itatuwezesha kubadilisha mbisha za mavictims daily online. Ngoja uone vile madonors wataguswa pahali na vile ganji zitacome kama tsunami."

Kenya, iran na makauzi 2 benefit frm obama prize

Zile nchi ziko na beef with Stato zimeshoiwa zirelax afta Obama kwachud the '09 Nobel Peace Prize last wk. "Kwanza kabisa obama wud like 2 apologise to those wanasiasa 15 he toad rangi in a letter last month," sez Yes Wecan, a geog odijo whose side hustle is teaching obama's cabinet kule Africa iko kwa map. Wecan adds dat Otato pia imechomoa a special offer 2 those 15 victims dat includes no visa application fees, no interviews, multiple entry visas n free airport transfers. "In fact kama these jamaas can jipanga into a kerende wen they fika, naweza organise wakutane na obama 4 sembe kunde kule White hse," he reveals.
Otato sasa itadeal na makauzi peacefully nxt time wakipiga meli ya stato ngeta. "Badala ya kusend macommando kurescue meli, raondi hii tutadrop maparachute zimeshona maburgers, mapizzas, mapopcorn na mahorror movies," wecan toboas. "Tunahope hizo burungu zitaconvince hao makauzi wawachilie meli zetu roho safi i say."
Iran pia inaweza tulia mdogo. "Tumekuwa tukizusha kaa miaka 40 iran isaray story za nuclear mpaka siku hizi tunasound kama ndai imetoboka xhaust," wecan tetas. He confirms dat iran sasa inaweza endelea na its nuclear mjengo bila kuwaza kama kesho stato itawanyeshea style ya Hiroshima na Nagasaki. "Actually tutabonga nao wauzie Kenya elec afta balozi wetu huko azushe vile juzi alikatsika afta kukimbia home kucheki prison break only 4 elec kukatika."
But wecan adds dat kuna disclaimer: kila siku sio Sunday 4 all wadhii with beef na stato. "Zee, hatuwezi 4 give kila msay na wewe, othawise tutaboeka sana na wasay wengi hii mtaa wanaweza poteza wax," he justifies it. "So bado tutamaintain sanctions dhidi ya Mugabe, tutasupport Al Bashir apatiwe red carpet welcome Hague na tutazidi kupambana na Taliban sides za Afghanistan."

Grace Mugabe applies 4 a ki-shakay in Kenya

Grace Mugabe ameshow gova ya Ubako na Tinga 2 organise 4 her a ki-shakay s'where in Kenya ndio aendelee na maziwa bizna yake. Hii ni afta Nestle Zim kuwekwa mapressure na mahaterz in Brito n SA iwache kuboti maziwa kutoka hiyo shakay ya grace, au itacollide na boycott ya power.
Inasemekana ati tha mngoso ex-owner of dat shakay, which supplies nestle zim with maziwa kaa litre 1m kila mwaka, was forced 2 ndonyo it bei ya jioni by makauzi wa Zanu-PF.
"Aaaah silly," shouts Hara Bula, PA wa grace, whose salo depends on the inflation rate ya hiyo mwezi. "Hao wangoso mahaters hawajui dat when u strike an African woman, you strike a rock." Bula sez grace hakujifungia kwa bedroom yake na kuanza kulia afta nestle zim walemewe na pressure. "Zee, alienda online n that's where she got tha idea afta asome ati Qatar imerent 40k Ha in Tana river 4 kilimo," she sez. Bula adds dat grace was like if a mwafrika can rent out his shakay to a muarabu, how hard can it be 2 do tha same 4 anotha mwafrika who also has investment ganji?
Qatar imejitolea kujenga port in Lamu as its CSR project, n bula sez grace pia ana mpango similar especially raondi hii when wakidi wengi hawakunywi maji enuff juu ya drought throughout area code 254. "Tutadonate maziwa 2 kila primo kenya nzima mon-fri 2 complement free primary education," she reveals. "Na bado, unlike maziwa ya kitambo ya nyayo, wakidi watakuwa na selection gwan kama chocolate, strawberry na vanilla flavours."
Bula sez grace hajali where she gets a ki-shakay hata kama ni sides za north-eastern, as long as at least kuna airstrip karibu ndio she can fika Nai kila wikendi 2 shop. "Trust me, hamna therapy poa kama hiyo, especially afta stress za kuamshwa na mooo, moooo, daily," she points out.
Samples zishatumwa 2 both ubako n tinga 4 tasting. "Karibu tufanye blunder ya kutuma sample 2 ubako pekee, alafu Tsvangirai akatukumbusha kenya siku hizi kuna prime minister," bula kumbukas. "Kizee, ilibidi pilot apige U-turn ndio a-get sample 4 tinga othawise ODM wangekanyagia hiyo deal."
Bula hopes gova itapitisha application ya grace at least by Oct 20. "Tunataka kulaunch na double n what better time than Kenyatta day's state hse buffet," she sez. "Ikifika chai ya 4pm, tunataka maguests wabambike na tiabe containing maziwa ya grace."

Hague pilot requests gova 4 mo passengers

Ingawa gova imekubali yenyewe tha wanasiasa who chochead vita last year itabidi wafikishwe Hague chap chap, pilot wa ile plane itawabeba tetas he can't chomoka kabla ishone. "Cheki hii situation charlie yangu. Mimi, conda na cabin crew hukanjua on commission, so hakuna vile tunaweza fly mapoliticians tupu n xpect kumake doe poa," sez capt. Cokpit Turbulence, who anzad as a mkoko dere btwn marikiti n Machakos airport. "Na usisahau lazima tukanje kanjo 4 parking n Mungiks 4 tha route," he adds.
Turbulence suggests kuna groups kadhaa gova shud order 2 apply online 2 sindikiza mapoliticians hague, destination 2nd best afta bunge chujad da idea of undaing a tribunal in area code 254. "Saa zile conda anaita wadhii mimi husoma Bible badala ya kupiga honi ya plane au kukatia ma air hostess," turbulence xplains. "Kuna siku nilisoma Yesu wasn't crucified solo."
Tha first kirindi he thinks shud on tha plane ni madere wa mathree. "Angalia vile hao huingia na kifua mbele ya ndai yako au kudrive juu ya pevu wakati wa jam na makarao hawado any," he observes. "Na bado, usisahau kukirain wanadouble fare, au ghafla wanasay 'Mwisho wa gari,' kabla wafike bus stn na hakuna cha refund."
Group ya mbe ni wale wasay wana tabia funny tao. "Badala wakucall 'beste' or 'siste' they hiss at u kama nyoka ina audition 4 Kenyan idol," he sez. They r closely fuatwad by those who spit ovyo ovyo kwanza where u r about 2 step. "Hawa ma forko jembe ni alarm 2 sana wen TB imeshika kinyama." Turbulence complains dat even tho kanjo will now fine pips 2k or miezi kaa 3 cell in Inda 4 such tabias, it won't b effective. "Nani siku hizi atakosa kavu mbili wen mabanks, masacco na merry-go-rounds zinapatiana personal loans kama wazimu."
Tha third kerende of potential escorts ni makauzi who chapa u mambao juu uko na fone ya tene or just finje mfukoni. "It's mbof enuff kauzi anafinyilia mbao kwa shingo yako bila ya 1-months notice of intent," turbulence zushas, "without em bouting u 4 bebaing a 3210. Kwani hawacheki news? world imepararishwa na recession."
Fourth group ni pips who r sooo impatient 4 tha lift 2 fika ground flr mpaka wanafinya buttons zote. "Not only do they not time 4 tha lift 2 empty kabla waingie," turbulence observes, "but afta all dat drama kumbe wanashuka 1st flr!"
Fifth kirindi ni those who flash u as if kuna emergency. "Msay atakuflash kila dakika but ukimbuzz anakushow, 'Johnny, vipi. Ulicheki aji ball ya jana ya Man u na Arsenali?' "
Turbulence sez 4 now those guys r enuff 2 jaza ndege yake. "In case wakizidi tutacheki kama tunaweza chuja Michuki's rules, ndio wakae wanne wanne economy class."

Bernie Madoff emails application 2 Ubako afta parliament chujas Ringera's reappointment

Stato ime-email application ya mgongaji sugu Bernie Madoff 2 Ubako as a potential mdosi wa KACC afta ma-mps wachuje reappoinment ya Ringera on Wednesday. "Kizee, kama beste yenu wa kufa na kupona, tuko concerned sana hamna mkenya mnaweza amini awe mdosi wa kacc," sez Macho Red, bernie's watchie. "Kwanza afta Transparency International ibonge nyinyi ndio most corrupt Afrika mashariki."
Ringera amekuwa dongera wa kacc since '04 na despite kuget 2.5m shs kila mwezi as mshande, ameblame AG 4 lack of progress in nabbing wagongaji sugu.
Bernie alioperate pyramid scheme ya nguvu since the 90s that swung wadhii returns za 10-15% kila mwaka, lakini by the time he was busted in Dec '08, alikuwa amewagonga kitu ksh4 trillion. In June alikwachu 150yrs kwa cell. "As u can c, huyu mbuyu bernie ako na skillz na xperience noma in gongaing wadhii big time n as tha msemo goes, it takes a mgongaji 2 nab a mgongaji," macho sez.
Macho alichorwa kaa special bodyguard wa bernie juu sifa zake zinamfanya an easy target 4 makauzis. "Mimi huenda na yeye kila place hata kwa bafu, na pia lazima nitaste dishi yake in advance."
Stato iko so sure bernie ataget hiyo pozi mpaka ameanza daro on kenya ndio akiitiwa online interview by state hse, atakuwa fomu. "Jana aliletewa map ya africa na TV na akashoiwa by monday awe anaweza not only kutambua kenya blindfolded, but aweze kutamka words like 'sasa', 'beste' na 'sicheki na watu' thru watching kbc," macho sez. He adds dat kuna mpishi mkenya amechorwa part time kupikia bernie dish kama sembe, madondo na mihogo. "Ata make impression poa wakati wa online interview kaa atamanga madondo instead of maburger na manjiva."
Kwa application yake bernie swears he won't kwachu salo as part of community service, will prevent the next goldenberg n anglo leasing kashfas, with a special emphasis on busting pyramid schemes. "Bernie amejazika sana pyramid schemes zenu ziko nyuma juu zinatumia njaro kaa sending wadhii sms' like, 'U have won 1 million shs in tha Mwezi iko Corner Mbaya competition. Send airtime ya saw moja 2 claim your prize!' ", macho sez.
Stato iko tayari kuwachilia bernie on compassionate grounds akiget hiyo wax kama 2 vile scotland majuzi released Ali al-megrahi juu ako na cancer noma ya prostate. Ali alifungwa 4 life in '01 4 blowing up a ndege in '88. "Tunafeel itakuwa vizi bernie achizike kwa cell for miaka 150 wen anaweza whacha legacy poa by donating talanta yake saree kusaidia a third-world african country fight ugongaji," macho malizas.